


Phantom of Insanity

by Shadow15



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), Thor (Movies)
Genre: Depression, Drug Use, Loki (Marvel) Has Issues, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Mental Instability, Peter Parker Needs a Hug, Pseudo-Incest, Self-Harm, Sibling Incest, Suicide Attempt, Thor (Marvel) is a Good Bro
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-06-07
Updated: 2019-02-21
Packaged: 2019-05-19 04:18:49
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 22,574
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14866472
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Shadow15/pseuds/Shadow15
Summary: Since they were children, Thor had enabled Loki's mental illnesses.   As adults, Thor realises it's because of him his brother's mental health has dwindled so far, people keep telling him Loki is a psychopath.  But after spending so many years covering up and protecting Loki, he knows there's nothing he can do alone to get his brother off the path of self-destruction he's been walking on for most of his adult life.Thor just wishes he could have trusted his friends with his problems sooner; it could have stopped so many horrible things from happening if he had.





	1. Chapter 1

Thor had seen many red flags come from his adopted brother, but for reasons he would never understand, he dismissed and made excuses for every single one, no matter how severe.  He knew how wrong of him it was to do so; that he should have dragged Loki into the first therapist’s office to take him - but instead he’d lied and covered up and excused behaviours he condoned in anyone who _wasn’t_ his precious little brother.

Thor blamed himself for Loki having gotten so bad.  He felt so guilty being the reason his brother had to be locked in his room at night, unable to be trusted.  Things had gotten to that point where he was too afraid to get Loki any help because Thor knew _exactly_ where Loki end up, and no matter what, he couldn’t let that happen.    

Today was one of those days as Thor made his way hastily through the woodland behind their home and called desperately for Loki.  It was _never_ a good thing to come home from work and not know where his brother had disappeared to, and if he didn’t find Loki soon…  

Thor shuddered to think.

“Loki!” Thor had long-since learnt to accept the anxiety that never stopped gnawing away at his stomach, but it always worsened in times like these; the thoughts that something could have happened to Loki and he hadn’t been there to protect him were too much.  “Loki, where are you?!”

He’d been searching for so long, he was starting to think that Loki wasn’t in the woods after all and must have wandered off into town instead.  He’d turned around to run back to his house and get his car, and there found him, crouched down behind some trees bordering a small clearing, sitting so impossibly still, it was no wonder Thor hadn’t noticed him sooner.  

“Loki…?” Thor approached slowly.  He made sure to stomp his feet down hard enough to disturb the earth beneath him in case Loki would otherwise miss his approach; startling his brother right now wasn’t a wise move.  “Loki… What’s wrong?”

Still, Loki didn’t move; not until Thor had sat next to his brother and curled his arm around shoulders that were shaking so slightly, it almost wasn’t noticeable.  His eyes were focused solely on what was on the ground before them, and when Thor looked to see what it was, he felt his stomach churn.

“Loki…” Thor closed his eyes and tried not to let the images stick in his mind.  “...Is that… the neighbours’ rabbit…?”

Loki’s lips twitched upwards now.  He finally moved; just enough so he could drop his head onto Thor’s shoulder.  His eyes still held a faraway look, but the coldness in them was enough to send chills down the most hardened person’s spine.  His lips continued rising upward until finally, a grim smile was plastered on his face and his head was turning to the side so they could make eye contact.  His voice was low, thick with a sick contentment Thor didn’t want to think about. “Yes, brother. It is. ...Or rather, it _was_.”

Thor had learnt years ago there was no point in asking any further questions; if he were to enquire why Loki had done it, it would always be the same, _Because I wanted to, brother_.  No; the best thing he could do right now was dispose of the rabbit and hope no one saw him escorting his blood-splattered brother back home.  “Loki, get up. We need to get you clean.”

A tiny laugh escaped Loki’s lips as he allowed himself to be brought to his feet.  His eyes wandered back to the rabbit as he murmured, “It looks a lot better this way, don’t you think, brother?”

Thor hummed in response.  He couldn’t agree; he couldn’t even _fathom_ how Loki could think that, but disagreeing would lead to a temper tantrum and that was the last thing they needed right now.  “Yes, brother; you are right. Get the rabbit so we can throw it into the river.”

“Why hide it when it will be eaten by wild animals?” Loki questioned.  

Thor’s eyes widened as he spun around to take both of Loki’s bloodstained hands into his own.  “Loki, they will look for the rabbit and they will _know_.  You know I don’t want anything to happen to you…”

“They won’t know it was me.”

“They will if anyone sees you covered in blood!” Thor grabbed his brother’s shoulders now and shook him lightly.  “I tell you, _so many times,_ Loki, that you are to come to _me_ when you want to do these things!”

Loki’s attitude darkened.  He slapped away the hands on his shoulders as his eyes narrowed and he spat out, “You weren’t _home_.”

“I was at work!” Thor grabbed his head in frustration.  If they didn’t get out of here soon, they run the risk of being stumbled upon.  He needed to deal with one thing at a time, and getting them home was their main priority right now.  “Get the rabbit; we are to dispose of it and then we are going home, Loki.”

It went smoother than Thor had anticipated; for once, Loki didn’t argue and did as he was told, allowing himself to be marched home.  He saw no neighbours around to spy on Loki’s bloodied appearance as they made their way across their fenceless yard to the back door of their home.  Once they’d stepped inside and Thor had closed the door and drawn all the curtains for privacy, Loki almost expected for his brother to let his anger out - but, even for someone as intelligent as him, Thor was unpredictable at the best of times and instead all his brother did was take his wrists in gentle holds and guide him to the bathroom.

“Wash up, Loki,” Thor murmured as he turned the taps to the basin on so he could wash the blood off his hands as well. He leant down and kissed his brother’s temple before he threaded his fingers through black hair and continued.  “I will fetch you clean clothing.”

True to his word, Thor picked out fresh clothes from Loki’s wardrobe and lay them on the end of his bed before he left the room and went to sit on the couch.  He turned the TV on but he didn’t watch it; he chewed at his nails as his knee jiggled while he worried himself over Loki’s mental health.

Loki wasn’t getting any better.  It was the opposite. He was getting worse.  Much worse. Gone were the days his baby brother was a sweet, gentle boy - but then, Thor had to realise, maybe he never had been that person in the first place because even now, Loki could fool anyone into believing he was one of the nicest people they’d meet.  

“Brother?”

Thor looked up from his lap at his brother’s tentative voice  from the doorway. He smiled and patted the spot next to him to show he wasn’t angry; just concerned.  “Come sit. I have news.”

Loki sat and nestled in against Thor.  His eyes stared blankly at the TV, but he paid it no heed; his mind was swimming with other matters and he couldn’t distance himself from any of it.  

The frown returned to Thor’s face at the iciness of his brother, but he couldn’t let it get to him; the counselling sessions their parents had forced Thor to attend may have never touched upon the psychopathy Loki had hidden, but they had at least taught him enough that however shut off his brother could become was _not_ Thor’s fault, no matter how much it felt like it was.  

He forced himself to speak his mind, wanting to get it out in the open sooner rather than later so Loki would have time to cool down from it.  “I have a date tonight. She will be here for dinner with us.”

A hiss escaped Loki’s lips.  He made to get up from the couch, but Thor’s arms wrapped around him and held him close so he couldn’t escape.  He struggled. “Let go of me, you stupid ape!”

“Loki…” Thor dropped his head to Loki’s shoulder in defeat; why did it always have to be this way?  No… The better question was, why did he always insist on setting dates inside his home when he knew _exactly_ how Loki was going to react?  Was it because he couldn’t let go of the hope that maybe… just maybe… socialising Loki would eventually help him?  He didn’t know, and he wasn’t sure he ever would. “Loki, please… Be nice to this one… It is all I ask of you, brother.  Never do I ask you of anything except this one little thing.”

“How _dare_ you ask me to _share_ you,” Loki snarled.  His elbow thrust outward, and if Thor hadn’t known to expect it, it would have connected _hard_ with his face.  “You are _mine_ , brother.”  

It was this conversation again.  The conversation that Loki seemed insistent on having every day.  But as always, Thor did his best to remain patient. “Loki… You are my _brother_ .  I love you _dearly,_ yes, but not in that way.”

“You are _lying_ to me again!” Loki screamed.  He struck out once more, but his wrist was caught in a grip far stronger than his own.  His screaming only grew louder until Thor knew the neighbours would overhear - _again_.  “Let go of me!  I will not be bullied by a great oaf like yourself!  Release me and never touch me again!”

It was no surprise Thor felt unwelcome in his own neighbourhood; with the way Loki screamed at the top of his lungs all the time, he knew everyone in close vicinity to their home believed Thor to abuse him.  If they only knew…

Thor released his grip on his brother’s wrist.  His voice was calm, as if he were discussing something so casually, it bared no emotion on his behalf.  “Do not strike me, Loki.”

No wonder their parents had all but pushed Loki out the door with Thor when Thor had told them he was moving out; they had stopped wanting anything to do with their adopted son long ago, and some days Thor just couldn’t blame them for it.  

Loki’s teeth bared as his expression crinkled into hatred.  “I will _kill_ her if you let her into this house.”

Thor held his brother’s gaze unwaveringly.  “You will not.”

“You think I won’t?”

Thor didn’t reply; he had said all he needed.  He pushed his brother away from him so he could stand and stretch his limbs out.  He wandered from the living room towards his bedroom so he could get ready.

Loki called out after him.  “I mean it, brother! You are _mine_ , and you _know_ I hate sharing!”

The only response he got came in the form of Thor’s bedroom door shutting and the lock clicking into place.

* * *

 

Thor hadn’t seen Loki for the rest of the day.  Loki had secured himself in his bedroom, refusing to come out, and that wasn’t a bad thing; it meant that Thor’s date went well enough for her to agree to stay the night - something that hadn’t happened in a long time as Loki usually scared them off long before it got to this stage.  

They were in Thor’s bedroom together, their lips crushed together as hands wandered.  It had gone so well, Thor almost forgot completely about Loki until his eyes skimmed past the bedroom door and he realised it hadn’t been locked.  He pulled away. "Excuse me a moment; I need to check on my brother.”

She looked disappointed, but she otherwise said nothing as her potential lover exited the room.  Thor hurried as best he could, not wanting to delay in his duties tonight; it had been so long since he had been able to relieve his stress with a woman, it felt as if every passing second only added to his mountain of pain.

He frowned as he neared close enough to Loki’s bedroom door to see that he had in fact forgotten to lock his brother in his room.  He knocked on the door before he opened it, ensuring Loki was inside. “Loki? Do you need a minute before I lock your door?”

Loki was in his room, lounging on his bed with his arm over his eyes as his leg rocked in irritation and agitated moans escaped his lips.  His room was in darkness but Thor knew he wasn’t trying to sleep; whatever was going on inside his head was something Thor should be helping him with; not abandoning him to the darkness just to lay with a woman.  

But when Loki replied, Thor suddenly remembered _why_ he was with a woman tonight in the first place.  “Fuck off. You don’t love me so stop trying to make me think you do.  I hate you so much, Thor.”

Those words were so painful to hear, but Thor didn’t let it show; Loki was manipulative and a compulsive liar so whatever Loki had planned was best left inside his mind.  He nodded. “Goodnight, Loki… Call me if you need anything.”

Thor shut and locked the door before he made his way back to his woman.  Their intimacy continued, but by the time he had gotten her into bed and their loud love-making could be heard amongst the bedframe banging on the wall, they were startled by the sound of something crashing against the other side of the wall, just above their heads.

“What was that?” The woman looked panicked, even more so when Thor leapt from the bed and tugged his pants on haphazardly.  

“My brother…” Thor sounded grim as another crash sounded.  Going by what sounds he could make out as he rushed to Loki’s room, his brother was in a frenzy and destroying anything and everything he could get his hands on.  

From inside Thor’s bedroom, the woman listened as Thor tried to soothe his raging brother, but in response all he got was incoherent screams and shouts.  It sounded as if things were being thrown at him until suddenly, Thor shouted his brother’s name and two sets of footsteps thundered down the hallway.

“Loki, no!” There was another crash and the door swung open so hard, it slammed into the wall.  She made out the thin body that had come crashing to the ground in the doorway, followed by Thor falling on him as if he had used his body weight to send the other spiraling.  “Loki!”

“Get off!” He roared in return as his fingernails dug into the floorboards in desperate bids to get himself closer to his brother’s bed partner.  “Get the fuck off me!”

Thor finally managed to pull him out of the room and drag him into the bathroom instead.  He kept one hand gripped tightly around Loki’s wrist and used his other to dig through the medicine cabinet for the medicine and syringes that were always kept on hand for times like these.  

It wasn’t easy to get the bottle cap off or fill the syringe when Loki was jerking him all over the place, but finally, Thor was able to pierce his brother’s skin with the needle and inject him with sedatives that would - or _should_ \- calm him down.  

They worked, eventually, but by the time Thor had gone back to his room to make sure his woman was okay, he wasn’t surprised to find she had left.  He could understand it, and truthfully it happened far more often than he cared to admit, but it never hurt any less.

Thor sighed and returned to Loki’s side. He carried his brother from the bathroom and out to the living room to hold him close on the couch now that Loki was content just being in Thor’s arms.  

“Loki…” Thor closed his eyes as he dropped the side of his head against the top of his brother’s own.  “Loki, why are you like this…?”

Loki didn’t respond.  His own eyes were closed and his breathing was evening out as his brother’s warmth relaxed him.  He wasn’t asleep or anywhere close to it, but with Thor’s arm wrapped securely around him, he wouldn’t have minded falling asleep like this.  

Thor, however, had different plans.  He scooped Loki up into his arms and carried him back to Loki’s bedroom, laying him in bed and tucking him in tight.  He didn’t leave; he uprighted the chair that had been kicked over earlier and sat by the bed so he could thread his fingers through Loki’s hair as he hummed.

“Brother…?” Loki’s voice was quiet, tentative to a degree.

“Yes?” Thor grabbed Loki’s hand with his own unoccupied one.  

A yawn escaped Loki’s lips.  His eyes squeezed closed and he moved to the edge of the bed to be closer to Thor.  “...Sleep with me tonight…?”

Thor shook his head.  “No, Loki. But I will stay with you until you fall asleep.”

As much as Loki wanted to protest, he slipped into sleep before he had the chance.  Thor caressed his pale cheek with his thumb before he leant over and kissed Loki’s temple so he could depart back to his own room.

It wasn’t right, Thor knew as he laid down in his bed and dragged his blankets over his body.  He knew that with the tears sliding down his cheeks, it wasn’t normal that none of them were for himself.  Well, perhaps a few were, crying for the depression he was sure he was falling deeper and deeper into. He acknowledged he couldn’t keep reminding himself he was only human and Loki was quickly burning him out, but what could he do?  Loki only had him, and Thor was his big brother.

His body ached as much as his mind, and though he felt the exhaustion, neither of them could catch up properly.  It wasn’t until his alarm clock flashed four-o-seven at him and he had less than two hours before he needed to get up and get ready for work did his mind finally shut off and he fell into a restless sleep.  

When his alarm went off and he dragged himself out of bed to unlock Loki’s door before he left, he couldn’t help but feel the depression overwhelm him more so than usual - but, as he had to remind himself, the way he felt was surely nothing compared to the emotions his poor brother just couldn’t escape.  


	2. Chapter 2

Thor knew it was a dangerous game to take Loki from their home and bring him into town, but he hated knowing his brother was always cooped up inside, day after day with nothing to do except wait for Thor to finish work and come home.  

It was one of the reasons why Thor always did his best to make their trips into town last as long as he could so Loki had the freedom to stretch his legs and breathe fresh air.  Sadly, no matter how much good intentions his actions carried, Loki only seemed to resent him more and more each time. 

“Brother, buy me new shoes.” 

Thor sighed; he knew Loki well enough to know his eye had been caught by a specific pair.  “What shoes?” 

“Those shoes.” Loki pointed to the shop window opposite them where Thor could see the boots on display, next to a price tag that only made his stomach drop even more.  

Thor’s fingers twitched as he stilled his hand heading for his wallet.  “...Why do you want them, Loki…?” 

“My feet hurt.  My shoes are hurting me.  I need new ones.” It was a lie, but Thor knew he couldn’t call Loki out on it.

“Well, why didn’t you tell me you need new shoes sooner?” Thor kept his voice gentle.  “I would have bought you new shoes had you told me, brother.”

“Well, I want those ones.” The irritation was quickly seeping into Loki’s voice now at not immediately getting what he wanted.  

Thor pulled his wallet from his pocket.  He opened it, but he quickly closed it with a grim expression on his face.  “...I’m sure we can find you some good shoes  _ much  _ cheaper than those ones, Loki.” 

A loud growl escaped Loki’s lips.  “No. I want  _ those  _ ones.” 

“Loki, I cannot afford it.  I am so sorry; I wish I could, but I cannot.”  Thor slipped his wallet back into his pocket. He ignored the darkening expresion on Loki’s face.  “I can buy you some cheaper shoes, but if I buy you the ones you want, I will not be able to feed you for a week.” 

“I don’t care; I  _ want  _ them, so  _ buy them for me _ !  You are the most selfish bastard I’ve ever had the displeasure of meeting.  Now go and buy them, you mewling quim!” 

Thor’s mouth opened and closed wordlessly.  It wasn’t Loki’s fault; Loki was impulsive and couldn’t help himself, and he was only acting out in the ways his brain was wired to. 

But as sad as it was, Thor couldn’t see that it wasn’t  _ his  _ fault, either.  

“Loki…” 

“Did you know people are staring?  What are you two fighting about  _ now _ ?” 

Thor turned around to see who had approached.  His shoulders relaxed at the familiar sight of his three friends, but he still felt the pang of hurt in his heart; while these three cared for Thor as much as he cared for them, they didn’t often invite him along with them - whether it was because they didn’t want Loki along, or something else, he still didn’t know.  

Thor ducked his head slightly, hating to admit to his friends his troubles with Loki.  “I am afraid I cannot buy Loki the new shoes he wants…” 

The newcomers all shared glances together until the man with messy black hair and glasses cocked his eyebrow and suggested, “Buy him cheaper shoes, then?” 

“I will not wear just  _ anything,  _ you primitive ape!” Loki hissed.  

“Thor, has anyone ever told you you’ve spoiled your brother rotten?  I mean that literally.” He rolled his eyes. 

“Tony, help them out here, will you?” It was the shortest of the trio, the one Loki knew to be constantly in and out of anger management.  

“Why?  He’s acting like a brat because he always gets his way.” The one named Tony crossed his arms over his chest.  “About time someone told him no and  _ meant  _ it.  He walks all over you for a  _ reason,  _ Bruce.” 

“Tony, no.  No, look at Thor.  He looks like he’s going to cry.” The last of the group, the blond who looked rather out of place amongst the other two with his neat and gentle features, flicked his eyes between Tony, Thor and Loki.  He kept his voice low enough so Loki wouldn’t overhear. “Come on; you’re a  _ billionaire _ .”

“Steve, I’d buy them for Thor, but Loki’s already an ungrateful ass - What the hell are you doing, Banner?!” Tony’s eyes narrowed at the way their friend had broken away from their sides to head to the shoe shop that had started the fight in the first place.  “If you buy him those boots, you -” 

“- Come on, Tony; do it for Thor,” Bruce called over his shoulder.  The others followed him into the store to watch him go to the window display, and a collective sigh left the remaining group as Bruce called for Loki to come and show him which shoes he wanted.  

“No offense, Thor, but you spoil your brother terribly.” Tony glanced at his wristwatch.  “You should be telling him no, you realise that? No wonder he’s such a prick.” 

“He is my brother.” Thor wasn’t a confrontational person with those he trusted, but the newcomers knew him well enough to know that Thor was warning them to watch what they said about Loki.  “I love my brother; I want only the best for him. It is not his fault he is like this.”

“Your brother is a nasty piece of work,” Tony disagreed.  

“Thor, to be honest, he  _ does  _ treat you pretty horribly,” Steve said softly.  

“And look at him now that he’s getting his own way; all smiles and politeness.” Tony’s eyes rolled before he gave Thor his full attention again.  “I mean it, man; you can’t keep living like this. You need a break from your brother. I can hook him up with specialised care and he -”

“-No; Loki needs me.  He has no one else, and it will destroy him if I betray him.” 

“You won’t be betraying him; you’ll be taking care of yourself first and foremost like you’re  _ supposed  _ to be doing,” Steve explained.  “Now drop the conversation; they’re coming back.” 

Tony didn’t bother waiting for the other two to get to them before he threw his arm around Thor’s shoulders and pulled him in close.  “Hey, we’re having a few drinks at mine tonight if you’re in, Thor.” 

Thor fidgeted at the offer.  His eyes darted from Tony to Loki and back again, but he didn’t have to say anything; the deep anxiety on his face told Tony all he needed to know.

“You can bring your brother.” Tony waved a dismissive hand.  “You can bring him or leave him home - it’s up to you.” 

Thor looked to his brother, who was now nothing more than a kitten to Bruce as the two spoke amongst each other, pleased greatly he had, once again, gotten his own way.  He looked back to Tony, and full of regret, he mumbled, “I will bring him with me…” 

“Great; I’ll Loki-proof the place today.” Tony clapped his friend on the back.  “Now go home and get some sleep; you look like you really need it.” 

Thor hummed in response.  “Loki, are you ready to go home?” 

“Uh, Thor?” Bruce rubbed the back of his head sheepishly as he gathered his friend’s attention.  “Loki was going to come back with me for a while…”

Thor understood the unspoken message; Bruce wanted only to give him a break from Loki.  He gave an appreciative nod. “Okay. Okay, Loki put your shoes on so your feet do not hurt.” 

Loki just thrust the shopping bag at his brother without so much as a glance.  “Take them home for me so my hands are free.” 

“But your feet hurt, do they not?” Thor’s brows creased.  He knew Loki had been lying, but still… It never hurt any the less when the truth came out like this.  

“My feet are perfectly fine; I do not wish to carry such a heavy bag around with me.  Now take them home for me.” 

When Thor saw Tony’s mouth open to retort, he gave his friend a pleading look as he quickly said, “Okay, Loki; give me your bag.”

Loki’s smug smirk crossed his face as he threw the bag to his brother.  He didn’t pay Thor the slightest attention as he then turned his back completely to him and put his hand on Bruce’s shoulder to hog the focus.  “I  _ am  _ a bit hungry, Banner; my brother hasn’t even  _ asked  _ me if I’m hungry or not.”

Thor didn’t know why he put up with the behaviour, let alone the agony Loki caused him daily.  His face scrunched up in emotional pain, and all he could do was mumble a quiet farewell to his friends as he turned to leave.

Tony watched him go, and he waited until Thor was out of earshot before he snapped at the other.  “Why are you such an asshole to him? If you were  _ my  _ brother, I’d have knocked every last one of your teeth from your mouth.”

Loki waved a dismissive hand.  “Easy now; big brother doesn’t like people yelling at me.  All I have to do is tell him you raised your voice to me just the  _ tiniest  _ bit and you know what he’ll do.”

“Good for him; maybe that’s what he needs is someone to put you in your place since he obviously can’t do it.” 

“Tony…”

“No; let him hear it, Steve;  _ Thor  _ clearly can’t tell him himself.” Tony’s eyes narrowed at Loki.  “Loki, if  _ anyone  _ treated you the way you treat your brother, Thor - big, sweet, gentle,  _ stupid  _ Thor - would  _ kill  _ them.”

“Just as  _ I  _ would kill anyone who treated him the way I do,” Loki agreed.  “My brother is  _ mine  _ and I will not have  _ anyone  _ treating him less than he deserves.”

Tony shook his head.  He stepped forward and clapped Loki on the back with more force than was friendly.  “You’re one of the most messed up people I’ve ever met, Loki. You know that, don’t you?”

“Careful what you say about me; you remember what happened to the last person who was rude to me, don’t you?” Loki smirked.  “Just remember; you can say whatever like to me, but at the end of the day, my brother will  _ always _ choose  _ me _ .  Now.  Banner.  I am rather hungry.  I would like to be fed.” 

Bruce nodded.  He waved to his friends as he started walking to the food-court with Loki by his side.  “What do you feel like eating, Loki?”

All of a sudden, he was a completely different person.  “I am happy with whatever you’re getting, Banner; I really don’t mind.  Please, feel free to decide.” 

While Banner and his other friends didn’t have all that much to do with Loki themselves, they had spent enough time around him to know to be wary of his manipulative ways - but the scary thing was, sometimes Loki could be so incredibly genuine, it was impossible to tell what was going through his head.  

* * *

 

Thor hated being home by himself, and he suspected it was because it was such a rare occurrence, it was difficult for him to trust that Loki was safe and in good hands.  

He’d gone to put all of Loki’s shopping in his brother’s bedroom for him to put away when he got away, but as soon as he’d opened the door, he was hit by the sight of what could only be described as a disaster zone.  

“Loki…” Thor put the shopping bags by the door so he could step in and assess the damage.  It had been done today while he’d been at work because, while Loki  _ had  _ trashed his room again the night previous, it hadn’t been this bad when he’d stepped in to help his brother.  

He moved further into the room and waded through the personal possessions strewn about the floor, stepping over broken bits of furniture and clothing that had been ripped from the drawers.  He made his way to the bed so he could sit down on it and drop his face into his hands.

He should be contacting someone for help.  He should return to speaking terms with their father and request his help to get Loki psychiatric help.  Hell, if he was really that desperate, his friends would help him with whatever he needed if he only  _ asked _ . 

But the thing was, he couldn’t admit what was happening, not to others or even to himself.  All he could do was try to cope with it, day by day, and hope he was getting Loki through it as well.  It was a destructive path, he knew, but what else could he do? Their parents were rich and could have funded everything ten times over, but Thor and Loki weren’t; they’d spent weeks going hungry because they hadn’t been able to afford food, let alone psychiatric treatment.  

“What happened to you, Loki…?” 

Thor stood again, and with resignation, he devoted himself to cleaning up the mess until he had to leave to make it to Tony’s home as he’d promised.  

It wasn’t that he didn’t  _ want  _ to join the party, but as he rode the elevator up to the top floors of Stark Tower, that out-of-place feeling plagued him again, reminding him that he didn’t belong with these people and whatever they felt towards him couldn’t be anything more than pity.  

Thor closed his eyes and cleared his throat uncomfortably. He tugged at his jacket, in a pathetic attempt at self-soothing, and when the elevator doors opened, he took a deep breath and steadied himself before he tugged his lips into the bright smile he was known so well for.

“No one else is here?” The elevator had let Thor out into the wide open floor that Tony used as his living area, and said man was situated up on the elevated area behind the bar, seemingly choosing what drinks were going to be on the menu tonight. 

Tony looked up from the bottle he had been scrutinising.  “Well, Rogers is here; in the library, I think. Banner is around… somewhere?  And your brother should be with Rogers.” 

Thor relaxed to know that his brother was safe.  He took a seat on the barstool and watched his friend work.  “I was worried about him since I left earlier. It is… not easy… to be away from him…”

Tony nodded.  “Mhm. And we need to talk about that, big guy.” 

Thor looked over his shoulder as he heard soft footsteps clattering along the marble floor. He smiled as Bruce approached, appearing unexpectedly.  He turned back to Tony. “And what would you have me do, Stark? I am doing all I can for him; it just… is not enough…” 

“We know a doctor for him to see.” 

Thor’s eyes narrowed in confusion before he looked to Bruce.  Bruce had seven Ph.Ds; one of those was a doctor, right…? “Banner…?” 

Bruce shook his head.  “Not me; I’m not that kind of doctor.” 

“No, we know this other doctor who -”

“-Tony.” The warning in Bruce’s voice piqued Thor’s curiosity now; were they trying to hide something from him?  “No. He’s not  _ that  _ kind of doctor, either.  And he’s gone a little… crazy…”

“The guy’s hilarious; you don’t want to see how they interact together?” Tony poured himself a drink already.  

Thor bit his lip.  “Who are you talking about?” 

“Our doctor friend.  He’s Strange.” 

Thor’s brows only crinkled further as the confusion overwhelmed him.  “But how do I know  _ how  _ strange when I don’t even know who he is?” 

“No, his  _ name  _ is Strange.” Tony’s shoulders shrugged.  “Okay, he’s also a bit strange as well. But Stephen Strange?  Ever heard of him?”

“Forget it, Thor; he’s a neurosurgeon who doesn’t practise anymore.” Bruce put his hand on Thor’s shoulder in comfort.  “He went loopy after his car accident; don’t get your hopes up.”

“What you call loopy, I call entertaining,” Tony added.  “Guy thinks he’s a wizard now. I’d love to introduce him to Loki, personally…” 

“He can help my brother?” 

“No…  No; Thor, that’s what I’m saying…” Bruce frowned deeply now.  “He’s a neurosurgeon; if Loki’s problem was in his brain, Strange  _ might  _ be able to help.  But Loki… is probably  _ beyond  _ that kind of help…”

Thor stood up.  “I want to meet this… wizard,” his voice boomed.  

“Oh, Thor…  Tony, you’re giving him false hope,” Bruce scolded.  “What have I told you about giving him false hope?”

Tony wasn’t paying any attention; he was too busy scribbling on a piece of paper to hand to Thor.  “Here’s his address. Tell him Tony Stark sent you.”

Thor pocketed the paper when it was handed to him.  “Thank you, friend.”

“Oh, and…” Tony’s lips curled upwards, “...take Loki along, will you?  He’ll want to… examine the patient first.” 

“Tony, don’t.  Thor, it’s not worth it.  Really, I’m trying to help you here - and  _ please  _ don’t bring your brother near that madman…”

Thor shook his head. He sat back on his stool, feeling a little lighter at the prospect of perhaps getting a bit of help for once.  “Whatever chance there is to help my brother, I will take it, no matter how tiny.” 

Bruce closed his eyes, and beneath his breath, he mumbled, “I hate to admit it… but I think it’s too late for any more chances, Thor…” 


	3. Chapter 3

Thor didn’t often fall asleep through the day, but sometimes he was just so exhausted, he couldn’t help but let his eyes slip closed and oblivion wash over him.  It was nice to get some much needed rest, but at the same time, it left his brother unsupervised more than he already had to be, and that was something Thor couldn’t bear.

His eyes opened slowly as he listened for any signs his brother was nearby, but when he realised Loki was  _ too  _ close, his body tensed and he immediately searched for where Loki was. 

“Loki…?”  Thor pushed himself up on his elbow so he could peer at Loki, sitting on top of his legs for seemingly no reason; the TV hadn’t been turned on and there was no book within reach of Loki’s grasp.  His eyes quickly focused on the wall behind his brother once he realised what Loki was doing. He cleared his throat. “Put that away…” 

Loki smirked.  He looked down at his lap where his hand was wrapped around himself, and just to spite Thor, he gave himself a quick tug.  “What’s the matter, brother? Can’t stomach the sight of it?”

Thor’s uncomfortable expression grew as he tried to pull his legs out from under Loki, but his brother only dropped his weight to make it more difficult.  “Loki…”

Loki licked his lips.  His pupils were dilated as his gaze wandered over his brother.  “You know, I hear you doing this to yourself most nights. Are you trying to tell me you’re more of a prude than I thought you were?” 

Thor shuddered at the idea of his brother listening in on his private activities - but then again, he really shouldn’t have been surprised; they had shared rooms before, back when Thor had first moved out and all he could get for them both was a tiny, one-roomed apartment that left them no privacy.  Thor had done his best to control his urges in that place, but Loki…

Loki had aroused himself every night and made himself as loud as he could.  Thor knew it was on purpose; as soon as they moved into a place with their own bedrooms, Loki barely made any noise that Thor had overheard and certainly didn’t masturbate each night - that was more Thor’s area.

“Loki…” Thor felt his mind run rampart; how did he approach this subject?  “Loki, I… You’re my  _ brother _ .” 

“And I still get myself off to you.” Loki shrugged.  His body gave a visible shudder and Thor didn’t miss the way his brother’s arousal twitched in interest.  “You looked so beautiful… Laying there… Hair spread out everywhere… So  _ peaceful _ …” 

“Loki,  _ don’t _ .” 

Loki moved closer.  “You looked so…  _ delicious,  _ brother.  So delicious I could have eaten you up.”

“...”

A soft moan escaped Loki’s lips.  “I could have, you know? I could have taken what I wanted while you slept and you wouldn’t have known any better.”

“Loki,  _ stop it _ .” Thor was getting demanding, but it still wasn’t enough.

Loki’s expression turned feral as his voice darkened.  “I  _ could have,  _ brother!  What I’ve always wanted from you!  I could have…! ...I could have made you very upset with me, Thor.  But I didn’t. Because I love you. And you love me. And I shouldn’t have to  _ rape  _ you to get what I want from you.” 

The slap came so unexpectedly, Thor himself was taken by surprise as he felt the stinging in his palm while his eyes fixed on Loki’s reddening cheek.  “Loki, I… I didn’t mean…” 

There was rage in Loki’s eyes now as he made eye contact, and his teeth grit together so hard, Thor was certain a tooth or two was about to break - but as quickly as it had appeared, all anger was gone and replaced instead by the tears rolling down his cheeks.  His voice was thick with despair, and whatever knowledge Thor was holding onto that he was being emotionally manipulated to keep his sanity intact vanished into thin air at the words that quickly bombarded him.

“Why would you hit me?!” Loki wailed.  “Why?! Do you hate me  _ that much _ , Thor?!  I  _ love  _ you!  I  _ love you _ !  You’re just like my parents!  Did you take lessons from them?!  Did they tell you how much I hate being hit, Thor?!  Did they?!” 

Thor looked to his lap.  The barrage of words kept coming, and all he could do was drop his face into his hands and claw at his skin as he felt his eyes glisten with tears he refused to let fall.  He hated hurting Loki, and now look at what he had caused… “I’m so sorry, brother…” 

“No, you’re  _ not sorry _ !” Loki sobbed.  “You’re abusive! Just like  _ them _ !  Did you  _ like  _ it when I told you how they tied me down to my bed and hit me with their metal-studded belt?!  Did you  _ like  _ them beating me up every day until I was black and blue and walking around on broken bones?!  Does it get you off to imagine that, Thor?!”

Thor’s tears finally fell until he was a sobbing mess.  He couldn’t pull his hands away to show Loki how weak he was, but when he felt his brother trying to pry his hands from his face, he jerked away violently.  “Go away, Loki! Leave me alone!” 

Loki wasn’t crying anymore, but he kept his wavering tone up.  “Just like you  _ you  _ leave  _ me  _ alone when I’m upset?  Thor, why do you  _ hate  _ me so much?  What did I  _ do _ ?” 

Thor wasn’t used to letting his emotions out so heavily, but here he was, sobbing hysterically into his hands as he realised Loki was right; he  _ was  _ horrible to his brother, and he would have to do what he could to change it.  

He stood up, and still refusing to pull his hands away from his face, he stuttered out, “I-I’ve got to g-go into t-town, Loki…  I-I’ll be back… S-stay inside… P-please…” 

The wavering, sad tone Loki had been so fond of turned dark once again as he yelled after the retreating form of his big brother.  “And he’s  _ leaving  _ me again!  My loving big brother is  _ leaving  _ me when I  _ need  _ him!  Typical; Thor doesn’t  _ deserve  _ to call himself a brother!” 

The front door slammed closed behind Thor, and Loki was left alone in the living room, feeling the sudden exhaustion that had come with playing up his emotions so heavily.  He sat back on the couch and sighed. 

“ _ Now  _ what do I do…?” He  _ was  _ sad this time; no act as he resigned himself to curling up on the couch with his knees to his chest as he waited for Thor to come home, however long that was going to take.  

Thor hadn’t gone far; he’d driven up to the park a few streets over and stopped his car beneath a tree large enough for shade.  He was still crying, but now that no one was around to witness it, he felt much more relaxed as he wiped his tears away. 

He wasn’t good for Loki, he knew.  He knew it was  _ his  _ fault Loki was turning out the way he was, and though he couldn’t pinpoint  _ exactly  _ what he had done to cause it, he knew he had done  _ something _ .  

“Loki…” Thor sniffed back tears as he tried to decide the best thing he could do for Loki.  He knew how often his friends brought up the subject of sending Loki off for specialised care, most likely a fancy codename for a psychiatric hospital, knowing how tactless Stark could be at times, and though he’d always argue against it, it was times like these he couldn’t help but consider texting Stark and asking for his help.

But he  _ couldn’t  _ do that to Loki!  Loki was his brother, riddled with abandonment issues from his adoption.  If he were to abandon Loki to a bunch of strangers…

“I need tissues…” Thor sniffed again as he rummaged through his pockets in search of something he could use in place of his sleeves already too wet to keep wiping away his tears.  His fingers brushed against paper, and he couldn’t help but pull it out to see what it was. 

_ 177A Bleecker Street  _ \-  _ Stephen Strange. _

Thor flinched.  That paper had been in his jacket for a while now and he’d forgotten all about it - no  _ wonder  _ Loki hated him so much; he couldn’t even remember something as important as this!  

...Though, he had to remind him, he  _ had  _ gotten very drunk at that party…  Surely he couldn’t be  _ completely  _ horrible!  ...Could he…? 

He started the car again and made his way to the address, all the while hoping his tearstained face would dry up before his arrival.  

* * *

Bleecker Street brought back memories of his child, simpler times where his smiles were genuine.  Like the house he and his brother had grown up in, 177A was large, almost mansion-like, and it was  _ comforting _ .  

He felt his face as he rang the doorbell.  He couldn’t feel any tears, but he didn’t trust his face wasn’t still red.  

The door opened, and Thor’s eyes wandered up and down the man whom was greeting him, his attention grabbed by the monk-like robes he was donned in.  He gave a small smile. “Umm… Tony Stark sent me; I am looking for Stephen Strange…?” 

He received a nod in response, and the door opened further.  “My name is Wong. It isn’t often Strange receives visitors these days.” 

Thor stepped inside, and he couldn’t help but ask.  “Sorry… But are you a monk?” 

“No; I am Stephen Strange’s caretaker.  It is…” Wong sighed dejectedly, “...a condition he has bestowed upon me to allow my care…”

Thor cocked his eyebrow in curiosity.  “What do you mean?” 

“He believes himself to have studied a mystical art, somewhere in Nepal called Kamar-Taj, and he cannot be persuaded otherwise.  Please do not find yourself arguing with him; it is a result of brain damage he cannot help.” 

Thor nodded.  He swallowed thickly.  “...My friend told me he could help me…  But if he has brain damage…” 

“He can help you,” Wong promised, with so much sincerity, Thor understood Wong’s faith in this person wasn’t misguided.  “Now follow me.” 

Thor followed Wong, through the mansion and up the majestic staircase until they found him, seated by the circular glass window in a meditative position.  His red cloak reflected the sunlight, but his closed eyes opened as their approach and he lowered his hands from where his elbows had rested on his knees. 

“Thor Odinson.” His voice was deep, but his expression was almost unreadable.  “Tony told me to expect you.” 

Thor nodded.  He felt almost awkward standing where he was, so he gathered up his courage and murmured, “It is about my brother.” 

He nodded.  He got to his feet so he could approach and extend his hand to shake Thor’s own.  “Doctor Stephen Strange. Tony didn’t tell me much. I’m sure he would have explained to you I’m no longer in practise?” 

“They did…  But still, I have to try.” Thor took a deep breath.  “My brother… is very unstable… He’s getting worse…” 

“What is he doing?”

Thor’s mouth opened and closed wordlessly; did he finally admit the extent of Loki’s troubles for the first time?  Or did he lie and cover up just as he had always done? He’d never trusted any other doctors enough to tell them just how severe everything was - but if this man was a friend of Stark’s…  

Well, he trusted that Stephen Strange had heard of worse.  

“...My brother…” Thor dragged his fingers through his hair as he tried to convey his thoughts.  “...My brother… is not well… He killed our neighbour’s rabbit recently… Prior to that… He… He…  He is so hurtful...”

Strange’s expression never changed in the slightest.  “Your brother needs a lot of psychiatric treatment is what you’re telling me.” 

Thor nodded.  “Yes. I… I had hopes you might be able to help me…” 

Stephen shook his head.  “It’s true these things are neurological, but I’m afraid there is nothing I can do for him.  I’m not a psychologist; I’m a - or was - a neurosurgeon, but killing animals is a sign of psychopathy which - realistically, I’m sorry - just cannot be treated.”

Thor, already fragile from earlier, felt his eyes glisten once again.  He shook his head. “Please… Please, there has to be  _ something  _ you can do for him…  You are a  _ doctor _ …” 

“A doctor who cannot treat your brother.”

Thor wiped at his eyes.  “Please…”

The silence held thick in the room for several minutes.  

“I will  _ try _ .” Strange closed his eyes.  “I will organise everything with Tony; he’ll be in contact with you.” 

A single tear rolled down Thor’s cheek now.  “Thank you…” 

Strange nodded.  “I owe Tony a favour.  I figure I can repay it by helping his friend.” 

That was the first time in a long time Thor had gone home with hope in his heart.  


	4. Chapter 4

It was a Friday night when Thor received a text from Tony, asking him to bring Loki around as Strange would be there as well.  Thor was almost hesitant; it had been a week since he had gone to see the neurosurgeon, and ever since, Loki hadn’t been too bad; right now, he was curled up on the couch with his favourite blanket, watching a TV documentary with his head on his brother’s lap, and Thor didn’t want to ruin it.

“Loki?”

Loki hummed at his name.  He turned his head to look up at his brother, and upon noticing the phone in Thor’s hand and the anxious expression he donned, Loki’s eyes narrowed slightly.  “Who’s that, Thor?” 

“Stark.” Thor had to be careful how he approached this subject; if he said the wrong thing, Loki would retreat back to his room and not come out for the rest of the night.  “He has invited us for drinks at his place. Are you up to going?”

Loki looked back at his documentary.  His brows creased as he considered his options; he could either stay here with his brother and watch TV, bored out of his mind, or he could stalk around Stark’s place for a while.  He knew there would be others at Stark’s, and it would surely be more fun messing with them than it was to lay here with his only enjoyment being his proximity to Thor if his brother wouldn’t even let him give him a blowjob.  

“Okay.” He sat up.  He dragged his fingers through his hair before he yawned.  “I want a shower first.” 

Thor let him go so he could text his friend back.  He’d already showered after he’d arrived home from work, but still he stood up to retreat back to his room to dress himself properly.  He’d just finished slipping his boots on when he heard Loki’s bedroom door open, and taking a deep breath, he waited for his brother to come to him. 

“Brother, I’m ready,” came Loki’s call a few minutes later as he walked down the corridor to Thor’s bedroom.  His head poked through the doorway and caught sight of Thor sweeping his bedroom floor. His smile seemed sincere enough, but there was something… empty within it that Thor still recognised.  

Thor frowned.  “Are you feeling okay?”

Loki nodded.  “Fine. I want to leave now; I don’t want to be there too long.” 

Thor wasn’t going to argue with that; whatever Tony had planned was probably going to take a lot of out Loki, and the last thing he wanted to do to his brother today was keep him from his home where he felt safe.  

* * *

“Loki, this is my friend, Strange.” Tony waved his hand at Strange as he picked up his drink with the other.

Loki’s eyes fixed on Stephen for several seconds before he muttered, “Well, you’re not wrong…” 

Thor nudged his brother with his elbow.  “Be  _ nice _ …” 

Bruce cleared his throat to gather everyone’s attention.  His eyes flickered to Tony for a split second as he reassured himself of their plan.  With all the courage he could muster, he stood to come by Loki’s side. 

“Loki, I need your opinion on something." Bruce gingerly placed his hand on Loki's shoulder; it was always hit or miss if the other was going to allow touch or flip out over it.  He nodded his head to the back of the room, by the table and chairs where there were stacks of papers spread across it as if someone had been going through them earlier. "I'm working on a couple essays here and I know how much you love reading; I wanted to know what you think of my essays on modern literature.”

While Loki stood up to leave with Bruce, Tony reached into his pocket and withdrew a smile vial.  He kicked gently at Thor’s shin to get his attention before he tossed the vial to him and murmured, “We need you to go make him a drink and mix that in with it.”

Thor scrunched his nose up as he observed the liquid inside the vial.  “What is this? Is it going to hurt him?” 

“It will get him to sleep and it won’t hurt him at all,” Stephen promised.  “Tony told me how he is; I’d like to get him examined without having to fight him to do so.” 

Thor nodded; that made sense…  “What are you going to do to him…?” 

“I want brain scans done and a chance to take samples for testing,” Stephen explained.  “When he wakes up again properly I want to give him a neurological examination. I’m looking for anything - like a brain tumour - that may be causing his problems.”

Thor nodded in understanding.  He scrutinised the vial before he whispered, “What if there is no tumour and it is just  _ him _ …?” 

Stephen glanced at Tony, as if asking for him to respond, but when only silence hung in the air, he murmured, “Then perhaps you need to look at having him hospitalised, if only for a while.” 

“Everyone tells me that,” Thor mumbled.  He sighed and wiped at his face before he got to his feet, wanting to get this over and done with.  He pocketed the vial so Loki wouldn’t see it, and he called out to his brother as he made his way to the bar to find something non-alcoholic Loki would drink without complaint. “Loki, I am getting us drinks.”  

It went smoother than he had thought it would; Bruce kept Loki busy across the room while Thor mixed the liquids into Loki’s coke, and when he gave the glass to his brother, he drank it all in one sitting and gave off nothing that could hint at him noticing his drink had been spiked.  

Hell, even Loki’s eyelids slowly drooping closed and his head falling onto Thor’s shoulder went better than Thor could have hoped for.  

He stayed in the living room, sipping at his drink as his three friends carried Loki into the elevator and down to the room where Tony had had hospital equipment installed.  He closed his eyes and waited, hoping for good news - but could being told his brother had a tumour in his brain really be good news…? 

It was one of those rare moments where Thor curled himself up into a ball and gripped at his hair as he fought the urge to cry; if nothing could be done for Loki, he…  

Well, he was starting to see the appeal in suicide, really.  

* * *

 

They came back out of the elevator after what could have been an hour or two - Thor didn’t know; he hadn’t looked at a clock since their departure from home - but Loki wasn’t with them, and it put him on edge.  He sat up.

“Where’s my brother?” 

“Still sleeping,” Bruce explained.  “He’ll wake up again soon. Thor, we couldn’t see anything wrong with his brain on any of the scans.  Strange still needs to check him over when he wakes up but I’m really sorry, buddy; it looks like it’s just the way Loki is.”

Thor squeezed his eyes shut tight.  He was still for so long, his friends were starting to think he had completely shut down at the news - but then his eyes opened again and he gave a nod so stiff, it looked almost painful.  “I need a drink…”

“Help yourself, big guy,” Tony offered.  

Thor did.  And again. And again and again until he’d gotten so drunk, Tony wasn’t letting him leave the tower lest he get himself into trouble - instead, he threw a spontaneous open party, result of his own drunkenness, but hey; what was life without a little fun, anyway?

* * *

 

Thor had long-since disappeared into one of the spare bedrooms with a woman and another man, not long after Loki had woken and emerged from bed in displeasure at finding the room so crowded, he could barely wade through the oceans of people.

 

Stephen had been keeping an eye on him from where he sat on a couch, sipping away at his drink.  He’d examined Loki as promised under the guise of just making sure he wasn’t sick as he’d passed out so easily, but he had yet to tell Thor that there was little more he could do; Loki showed no signs of his behaviour being from anything but a mental sickness.  

He continued observing, knowing that if Loki was indeed a psychopath as suspected, it probably wasn’t the best environment for him to be in - but he’d sat so quietly at the bar, drinking by his lonesome and trying to ignore most people who came near him, Stephen wasn’t  _ too  _ concerned.

That was, until a man came to sit by Loki’s side and grabbed his attention.  Stephen couldn’t hear what they were talking about, but it didn’t take long for them to wander off into the crowd and towards the elevator.  

He shrugged; if Loki swung that way, it wasn’t any of his business.  

Minutes passed, and Stephen had still seen no sign of Thor or Loki until, what his wristwatch had told him was almost an hour since Loki had wandered off, said male had returned with another glass in hand as he made his way back to his spot.  

Something wasn’t right, though.  Loki was almost stumbling, and though he was a distance away, he kept wincing at the music and the people in close proximity to him.  He looked almost dazed, his eyes wide and his mouth twisted into a frown, and when he reclaimed his barstool, he almost fell off it.

He could be drunk, Stephen reminded himself as he stood up and approached.  The closer he got, the more he noticed how exaggerated Loki’s pupils were as he looked but didn’t see, and Stephen knew he should have followed to see where they went.

“What did you take?” Stephen demanded.  

Loki blinked several times, as if he were trying desperately to take what was happening in.  He swayed on the spot, and when he replied, his voice was slurred. Stephen’s stomach churned further.  “Not sure… They didn’t tell me…” 

Stephen looked around for someone he knew, to order them to get Thor here immediately - but before he could do so, breathing quickly became difficult for Loki, and he was almost gasping for breath.  His face had paled and sweat was dripping down his skin as his hands shook so violently, they put Stephen’s own, nerve-damaged trembling hands to shame. “Loki? You need to tell me now; what did they  _ give  _ you?” 

Loki’s body twitched in agitation.  He tried to squint away from the light as he growled, “I said, I don’t  _ know _ .” 

Stephen looked around again.  He took a deep breath when he saw Bruce’s head in the crowd, and he waved his hand to try and gather the other’s attention.  It failed to attract much notice in such an extreme environment. 

What  _ did  _ get Bruce’s attention, was the loud crash that came from next to Stephen as Loki’s body fell from the barstool and writhed with seizure.  People stopped and yelled, and it was enough to grab Bruce and Tony’s attention. 

“What the hell!” They made their way over, kneeling next to Loki as realisation hit them.  Bruce got up from his knees and looked alert. “...I’m going to find Thor.” 

Tony, also, got to his feet, but he didn’t follow after Bruce; instead, he clenched his teeth, and with the sudden quiet in the tower, his voice roared as he bellowed, “The lot of you!  Clear out  _ now _ !  If I find out who did this, I swear I -”

“-Tony, call for an ambulance.” Stephen was a doctor first and foremost, and he put everything he knew into practise at that moment.  “There’s no telling what deadly combinations he’s mixed. This might  _ kill  _ him.” 

Tony nodded.  He grabbed his cellphone, and for the sake of Thor, he ordered an ambulance to arrive as soon as they could while Stephen did everything he was able to.  

* * *

 

Thor liked to pretend that night at Tony Stark’s had never happened.  He forced himself to forget the nightmares that played through his mind every night, reminding him of how he’d found his unconscious brother being loaded onto a stretcher by paramedics.  He never allowed anyone to talk to him about it, pointedly ignoring them until the subject was changed.

But most of all, he did his best to act as if the way his little brother was currently bedridden was nothing more than Loki having more lazy days than usual.

“I am going to do our shopping.  Do you need anything, Loki?” Thor brushed stray strands of hair away from Loki’s pale face as he waited for an answer.  

From where he lay in his bed, staring up at his ceiling, Loki slowly shook his head.  A deep frown was on his face before he dropped his face to rest his cheek against his pillow and look around at the three people in his room.  His voice was so soft, it almost wasn’t audible. “No…” 

What had happened that night had never been brought up between  _ them,  _ either.  Thor knew his brother had been drugged - willingly, going off what Stephen had explained to him after Bruce had disturbed him in his afterglow of a threesome - but no matter how long he had sat by Loki’s hospital bed, neither of them had had the energy to talk about it.

Sometimes, when Thor thought about it, he wondered if it would be different had Loki’s drug overdose not caused an aneurysm in his brain and left him on death’s doorstep.  

Thor looked back over his shoulder at his friends moving things around in Loki’s bedroom.  He returned his attention to Loki as he nodded at them and said, “Barton and Romanov are going to put a TV up on your wall for you; Stark bought it for you when I told him you have to stay in bed.” 

Loki didn’t care much; he was always so tired and spent most of his time asleep as he recovered from everything; he didn’t see himself using that TV much - but, he supposed, it would be better than laying there, bored out of his mind on the days he felt too confined to his bed to be able to leave of his willpower.  

Thor didn’t mind the silence; he leant down and kissed Loki’s forehead before he straightened up and murmured, “I’ll be back soon.  Call me if you need me.” 

He farewelled his friends quietly before he left the room, thankful he had such caring companions willing to help him out - even if Loki had previously been at war with these two and would be at each other’s throats without hesitation the second they were in view.  

 

It seemed too early to tell how Loki’s aneurysm was going to affect him.  Stephen had told Thor to expect the worst, that the Loki he knew could be worsened or bettered, but either way, Stephen had assigned himself as Loki’s neurosurgeon.

Thor knew he couldn’t keep sweeping everything under the rug with Loki, though; sooner or later they were going to have to talk about everything that happened.  

He just truly wasn’t looking forward to it, and he knew Loki wasn’t either.  

* * *

 

Thor had just paid for his groceries when his phone rang and Natasha Romanov’s name showed on his screen.  He tucked his wallet into his pocket and pushed the trolley away from the checkout desk as he answered the call.  “Hello.” 

There was a hint of agitation in Natasha’s voice as she responded.  “Hey, you’re going to have to come up with a way to thank me since I just stopped Clint from murdering your brother.” 

Thor sighed.  He cradled his phone against his ear with his shoulder so he could steer the trolley easier.  “What has Loki done now?” 

“He got out of bed when we were putting your TV up on your wall and grabbed the hammer out of the toolbox.” Natasha trailed off so she could scold someone in the background, most likely Clint, Thor knew.  “Anyway, Thor, he threw the hammer and it hit Clint in the head. You know how hard it was breaking them up? I want an expensive bottle of wine at the very least.” 

Thor winced.  He fell silent for several seconds before he murmured, “I will do my best, Romanov…  Is Barton okay?” 

“He’s still pouting about it like a child, but he’s gonna be okay,” Natasha promised.  “I got Loki back into bed. I checked on him half-hour ago. He was asleep.” 

Thor nodded, despite Natasha not being there to see it.  “Please apologise to Barton for me; I feel terrible… I will be home shortly; you are welcome to leave if you wish; I understand how much of a handful Loki is…” 

“It’s okay; we still need to put the TV up in the living room, so we’ll probably still be here when you get home.  We’ll see you soon. Bye.”

“Goodbye…” Thor ended the call and tucked his phone away in his his jacket pocket.  It was peaceful until he’d gotten his shopping loaded into the car and he’d sat in the driver’s seat, because as soon as he’d put the keys in the ignition, his phone started vibrating incessantly with incoming messages.  

Thor bit his lip as he saw how many times Loki was messaging him; was everything okay?  Whatever concerns Thor held for his brother though… Well, they vanished as soon as he opened the text thread and saw photo after photo of his brother’s stimulated arousal was spamming his inbox.  He almost choked on his saliva as he tried to back out of the thread, but once he received a video next, he froze; there, on the screen of his phone, was a video of his brother masturbating and calling out Thor’s name.

Thor turned his phone off completely and threw it onto the passenger footwell.  He turned the key and started the car, just wanting to get home so he could lock himself away in his room and forget Loki had ever sent him such things.  


	5. Chapter 5

Thor had held on to what Strange had once told him, about Loki’s aneurysm running the possibility of making everything better or worse.  He’d held his breath that it would make things easier, but as he sat on his couch with dried blood all over his hands and face, he realised things had never been this bad before and he’d been so wrong to have so much belief in this being the one thing that could help Loki. 

“Thor, I  _ told  _ you I don’t  _ want  _ your fucking help!” 

Loki was still screaming as he thrashed about within the hallway frenziedly.  Glass smashed and things crashed against the walls and floors, but Thor could only sit on his couch in shock as he held his hand against his stomach and tried to breathe through the pain his stab wound was causing him.  He’d locked Loki in the back of the house, knowing he desperately needed distance from his brother right now or things may be worse than they alreadyy were.

“Let me out of here, Thor!  I’m going to fucking  _ kill  _ you!” 

The way the hallway door creaked and groaned beneath Loki’s assault suggested it was probably going to break any minute now.  Thor squeezed his eyes closed tight as he battled against the lightheaded feeling that came with blood loss. 

He should call someone, he knew, but how did he do that when he’d only be putting them in the firing line, too?  Loki wasn’t well, especially not today, and Thor was already paying the price that came with only trying to help. 

It finally occurred to him to answer his brother. He groaned in pain as he wrapped his arm around his stomach, feeling the slow trickle of blood he was lucky wasn’t gushing with how badly he could have been stabbed instead.  “Loki…. Loki, you can come out when you calm down…” 

“I’m not going to calm down, you stupid fucking -“ Something large hit the wall as Loki’s screams turned incoherent again. 

Thor closed his eyes and tried to wait it out, pretending he didn’t notice just how weak he was from his wounds.  He didn’t know long it had been, but without warning, the house fell eerily quiet, and Thor’s mind fell into chaos as hyperventilation took over him and all he could think was that Loki had killed himself.

Thor stood and stumbled to the hallway.  He pulled the hallway door key from his pocket with trembling hands and fumbled with getting it into its lock as his vision blurred and spotted.  He finally opened it, and he wished he hadn’t at the sight that greeted him. Amongst the shattered pieces of furniture and broken glass laid demolished personal items and pools of blood that made it look like a massacre had taken place.  

Amongst it all lay his brother, pale and bloodied and  _ unmoving _ , and Thor realised now how stupid he had been to have kept everything to himself and even  _ stupider  _ to have left his brother alone in this state; in Loki’s hand was broken glass stained with so much blood, Thor could only link it to the cuts gushing blood down Loki’s wrists that hadn’t been there when his brother had stabbed him.  

His mind was in shambles, and it never occurred to him to call for an ambulance; Loki had to be dead and it was all  _ his  _ fault. His hyperventilating worsened until he was sure he was about to pass out.  Throughout it all he cried desperately, heart ripped out of his chest and shattered into so many fragments, he knew it would never be put back together again.  

Going to Loki’s side and making sure he was still alive didn’t make sense to Thor right now because how  _ could  _ Loki still be alive when he was laying so still?  All that  _ did  _ make sense was for Thor to stumble his way to the bathroom and swallow every pill they had in the medicine cabinet, regardless of their usages.  

Once he’d consumed the dozens of pills, he staggered back to Loki’s side, letting himself collapse next to his brother.  He weakly gathered the fragile body in his arms, holding him as close as he possibly could while he cried into Loki’s blood-smeared hair, waiting to follow his brother into the afterlife; if Loki was gone, there was no point for him to stick around any longer, too.  

 

* * *

 

When Thor’s eyes opened, he was sure he was dead; there was no other explanation for the blindingly white walls that surrounded him otherwise. 

At least, that was, until he heard someone move from beside him.  

“Loki…?” Thor tried to turn his head to the side to see who it was, but he quickly found he didn’t have any energy to do so.  He groaned quietly and closed his eyes again, hoping it would help his headache some if he didn’t have to look at those walls any more.  

“No…  Not Loki…” 

It took Thor a few moments to register the voice, but when he did, he relaxed; he was safe here without a doubt…  “Rogers…”

“Shh…” Steve reached out to put his hand on top of Thor’s.  “Just relax… Loki’s in the next room…” 

Thor cracked one of his eyelids open now.  Everything that had happened came rushing back to him.  “Rogers… My brother… My brother…” 

“He’s alive,” Steve soothed.  “Not conscious, but alive. How are you feeling?” 

Thor groaned again.  “Like I’ve been hit by a truck…” 

A small laugh escaped Steve’s throat, and he reached out to brush hair away from his friend’s face.  “I meant more mentally and emotionally, but that’s still an expected response.” 

Thor sighed.  “...Like I’d just rather be dead right now…” 

Steve’s hand never stopped stroking through long hair.  He nodded. “We had a suspicion that’s how you’ve been feeling lately…  You were isolating yourself so much, no one knew what was going on. You’re lucky I decided to come out and check on you; a minute later and I’d have been too late.” 

“You should have just left us…” Thor murmured.  He wanted nothing more than to roll onto his side and curl up beneath the blanket, but his body felt too sore and heavy to move.  “We clearly both just want to die…” 

“The Thor I knew would never have wanted that,” Steve said gently.  “Especially not when it comes to telling someone to let his brother die…” 

Thor shrugged.  “I am tired… Everyone was right…  My brother cannot be saved, and I do not want to live without him…  Or even… Live  _ with  _ him…” 

“You haven’t been given proper support,” Steve pointed out.  “You’ve tried so hard to keep everything to yourself, Thor; it’s  _ not  _ your fault this has happened.  It’s  _ nobody’s  _ fault, not even Loki’s.  You’re both in so much pain, and neither of you wanted the help you’ve been offered.  Thor… You  _ can’t  _ keep pretending you can do this on your  _ own _ …” 

“I cannot get anyone dragged into this…  Rogers, I  _ cannot _ .  They don’t understand what Loki is like, and it’s  _ my  _ fault they don’t.” 

“We know what Loki is like,” Steve promised.  “Enough, anyway, to know that things will only keep getting worse if you don’t stop shutting us out.”

“I haven’t been completely truthful,” Thor explained.  “I have lied and covered up for my brother…”

“You  _ love _ Loki, Thor; of  _ course  _ you want to protect him - but I honestly thought you knew us better than to think you’d need to protect him from  _ us _ .  Thor…” Rogers took Thor’s hand into both of his and  _ squeezed _ , “...if we were going to run, we would have run after this - but we aren’t; Tony has organised for you both to live with him, where you can  _ both  _ have an eye kept on you.” 

Thor groaned loudly.  “No, I… I cannot… Loki…  It is not fair on Stark…”

“And it’s not fair on you, either, buddy,” Steve pointed out.  “Tony knows what he’s getting himself into; if he thought he couldn’t handle it, he wouldn’t have arranged it.” 

The truth came out in that moment, the pathetic, weak excuse that Thor had held to himself for so long.  He whispered, “I don’t want him to judge Loki…” 

A sad smile crossed Steve’s face.  “Thor… After knowing Loki so long, I really don’t think  _ anything  _ you’ve hidden from us about Loki is going to surprise us anymore.”

“I’ve only told Strange about it…” 

“And you are our  _ friend _ ,” he promised.  “Whatever you could tell him - a  _ stranger -  _ you can tell  _ us _ .” 

“...” Thor took a deep breath; by this point, he was just too exhausted to argue any longer.  “Strange says he’s a psychopath…” 

“We already knew that.” 

Thor flinched.  “How…?”

“Thor, it  _ really  _ doesn’t take a rocket scientist to work out that whatever was going on with your brother is  _ not  _ normal.  Did we ever turn either of you away for Loki’s behaviour?  No. And we aren’t going to start now.”

Finally, Thor found the strength to roll onto his side with his back to his friend.  “I do not deserve friends like you guys…”

“No, Thor…” Steve put his hand on Thor’s shoulder.  “We are  _ exactly  _ what you deserve.” 

No matter how long it was going to take to get that truth into Thor’s damaged mind and  _ keep  _ it there, Steve didn’t mind; he’d drill it in every day if he had to.  


	6. Chapter 6

“You really won’t change your mind, will you…?” Thor sighed as he watched his friends carry boxes from his and Loki’s home to put into the moving truck Tony had rented.  He dipped his head when Tony gave him a look he knew all too well; of  _ course  _ nothing Thor had been able to say or do had changed the other’s mind.  “...At least let me help…”

“Oh,  _ no _ , you aren’t, big guy,” Tony instructed.  “You and your brother are sitting outside in the fresh air before one of you hurts yourself; neither of you are fit to be out of the hospital, remember?” 

It was true; Tony had pulled strings and gotten them both discharged early into Bruce and Stephen’s care as they both held medical licenses, but rather than leaving them alone at Stark Tower where they’d be miserable, he’d dragged them along on their adventure in hopes it would at least make them feel a little lighter emotionally.  

“I would have rathered you leave me there,” Loki growled from where he sat by Thor’s side on the lawn.  His head was dropped against his brother’s shoulder, and the arm Thor had wrapped around his waist was useful for little more than giving comfort as Loki wasn’t going to be going  _ anywhere  _ any time soon on his own.  “I  _ am  _ miserable now that I am forced to be around you.” 

Tony didn’t take the bait like Thor would have.  “No, what you’re miserable about is that you can’t manipulate me like you can with your brother.  You aren’t  _ forced  _ to be around me; you are sitting outside in the sunshine doing nothing while my friends and I are inside packing all your shit up.  You haven’t been ‘around me’ for twenty minutes now.” 

Loki scowled at Tony.  “Shut up…” 

Tony ignored Loki and looked back to Thor now.  “You want some lunch or anything, Point Break? Barton’s going to get something for everything and he wants to know what you and Loki want to eat.” 

“I don’t  _ want  _ anything!” Loki spat.  “Not from  _ you,  _ Stark!” 

Tony again ignored the outburst and kept his eyes on Thor.  “ _ Thor,  _ what do you and Loki want to eat?” 

Thor sighed.  His fingers danced against Loki’s hips before he murmured, “Anything with chicken will be appreciated, friend Stark…” 

Tony nodded.  “Got’cha. I’ll tell Barton.  You two alright sitting out here still?” 

“Yes, thank you.  It is nice in the sun.” Thor offered a weak smile.  

To Thor’s utmost relief, Loki wasn’t insisting on being difficult and now sat quietly as he glared daggers at everything around him.  Tony had a feeling it was because Loki knew there would no longer be any blind eyes turned to his behaviour the way they were with Thor.  Whatever the reason, it was welcomed to not have to deal with him when Clint returned with lunch almost an hour later and everyone sat on the front lawn with Thor and his brother, enjoying the warmth as they ate. 

The problem came when everything had been packed up inside the house and put inside the moving van.  Thor could see the warning signs that Loki was growing more and more agitated, and by the time they’d entered Stark Tower with Tony by their sides while everyone else unpacked the van, Loki was at breaking point.

It happened when they were greeted by a puppy Thor had never known Tony had.  While it jumped all over them and licked in excitement, Loki’s leg swung out and his shoe connected with its side so hard, it was sent skidding along the marble floor with a deafening yelp.

“ _ Loki! _ ” Tony roared so loudly, even Thor cowered a little; Tony  _ rarely  _ raised his voice, let alone yelled like this.  His hands clenched by his side, and Thor could see him turning red with anger.  Thor almost stepped between them to keep Tony from striking Loki, but to his relief, his friend kept his hands to himself and only snarled, “You have  _ one  _ chance here, Loki; you kick that dog again and I  _ swear  _ I don’t care what Thor does to me in return; I  _ will not  _ watch  _ anyone  _ hurt an animal.” 

It was because Tony understood so clearly Loki was  _ sick,  _ Loki got off with a warning, Thor knew.  He’d seen Tony lash out at people for less, so Tony  _ was  _ trying to accommodate his brother, but at the same time, he wasn’t going to stand for anything out of line.  Part of Thor admired his friend for having this strength, but the other also resented Tony for it; Loki was  _ Thor’s  _ brother, so if anyone could keep Loki in line, it was supposed to be  _ him _ ! 

Footsteps came running up the stairwell on the far side of the room.  Thor forced a smile on his face as Tony’s adopted child came into view, but given the circumstances, he couldn’t look as sincere as he usually did - especially not when he saw the panic-stricken look on the boy’s face as he ran to the pup cowering on the floor.

“What happened to him…?” Peter looked heartbroken as he pulled the puppy into his arms, and it was then Thor knew; that dog belonged to  _ him  _ and not Tony.  Thor felt even sicker at the knowledge of what his brother had just done.  

“Don’t worry, kid; it’s not going to happen again,” Tony promised.  “Take him into your room for a bit, okay?”

Peter gave a wary glance to Loki as he scooped his puppy into his arms.  He bit his lip, and Thor  _ swore  _ he could see tears gathering in the boy’s long lashes as he put two-and-two together.  

Thor grabbed Loki’s shoulder, and as much as he wanted to yell and scream and  _ scold,  _ he couldn’t; he could only murmur, “Go lay down on the couch, brother… Get some sleep…” 

Loki muttered under his breath as he tore his body away from his brother’s touch and stomped over to the couches.  Thor gave Tony a helpless look, and Tony could only shake his head. “One of these days, you’re going to have to  _ learn _ , Point Break…” 

“He is my  _ brother _ ,” Thor whispered back.  

“Yeah?” Tony shook his head again.  “And Peter’s my _ kid _ \- my  _ responsibility.   _ At this rate, Loki’s going to  _ kill  _ someone, Thor.  Step up.” 

Thor sighed.  “I am so sorry about the dog…”

“It’s not your fault.” Tony said the words so quickly, Thor knew his friend wasn’t  _ entirely  _ sincere.  “Go rest. We’ve got everything downstairs.” 

Tony turned around to enter the elevator once again, but before he could leave, Thor grabbed the back of his shirt and stopped him.  Thor’s whisper was so quiet, Tony had to lean in to hear him. “Please… Whatever you do, friend Stark…  _ Please  _ do not let my brother be alone with that dog…  It would break my heart to see Peter cry…” 

Tony understood the hidden message.  He nodded. “Yeah, I figured. Go rest.” 

Thor did so, and for the first time in so long, he could allow himself to fall asleep on the couch, knowing that he no longer had to handle Loki alone and someone else could watch him for a bit instead.

It was the first time in so long Thor got the sleep he needed without waking from stress. 

* * *

 

When Thor awoke, he was bathed in a golden glow from the setting sun, and only silence surrounded him.  He panicked, and all he could think was that Loki had gotten out and was wreaking havoc on the streets below, but before he could get up and search, he heard the elevator doors open.  

“Hello, Uncle Thor.” It was Peter, and he looked much happier now than he had earlier.  “Are you looking for Loki? He’s in his bedroom. I passed him not long ago.” 

Thor relaxed now.  “Thanks, Peter. How is your puppy?” 

“He’s okay.” Peter’s smile faltered, and he fumbled his hands together nervously.  “...I… M-mr. Stark… got him for me… To help me, you know? So I get a bit… Well, I got  _ scared  _ when I heard him yelp…” 

Thor nodded in understanding; Loki wasn’t the only one who had issues.  He opened his arms and smiled sincerely now. “Hug?” 

Peter’s grin widened, and he crossed the room to pull himself up onto Thor’s lap and wrap his arms around the man.  He smiled so happily when strong arms wrapped around him and held him in a bear hug; he’d always loved Thor because of how safe he felt with him.  

Likewise, Thor was incredibly fond of Peter because he got the affection Loki always denied him from the boy, and if he didn’t have his brother to look after, Thor would take Peter into his home as his own in a heartbeat.  

But alas, with Loki as sick as he was, Thor knew it was best to keep the two separated as much as possible.  ...Which raised the question; had Tony even considered Peter’s safety and wellbeing before doing this? Thor didn’t know if he had, and he had his doubts. 

Peter pulled away, but he was still smiling.  “Mr. Stark told me his friend is coming around, but Mr. Stark isn’t sure he’s going to be home when he gets here.” 

Thor nodded.  He laughed softly when he heard his stomach rumble.  “Perhaps I should eat.” 

“I can cook you something.  I don’t want you to hurt yourself.”  A slight flush crossed Peter’s cheeks.  “I mean… I haven’t eaten, either, and I don’t think Loki has…  I don’t mind. Really.” 

Thor smiled.  He shook his head, and so tenderly he murmured, “You do not have to do  _ anything  _ for me, Peter; I am a guest, and I would never ask you for anything I could not do myself.” 

Peter’s cheeks darkened further as he gave a series of erratic nods.  “O-of course… I… I’m going to make some dinner… I’ll make you some, too, okay?” 

Thor chuckled.  He pushed himself to his feet and took careful steps towards the kitchen.  “I will help you, Peter. I am more than happy to do so.” 

Peter was just so shy, and Thor loved him so much more for it.  Sometimes he wondered if Loki could ever have turned out to be like Peter, but it always hurt him whenever he thought about it; Peter had been shaped by his own painful life to be a sweet and thoughtful boy, but Loki…

Thor didn’t even know  _ if  _ he could blame Loki’s lifelong abuse and neglect for turning him into what he was. 

“Umm…” Peter rocked up and down on his heels, “...I was thinking maybe…  Maybe shepherd’s pie? Mr. Stark has been teaching me how to make it…” 

Thor chuckled.  “Of course. I will teach you more recipes if you would like; I think Loki secretly enjoys my cooking but does not want to admit it.” 

The excitement on Peter’s face at the offer warmed Thor’s heart, and he truly felt pity towards the parents who had never wanted Peter; they would never know they were missing out on one of the sweetest boys Thor had ever had the pleasure of meeting.  

* * *

 

Loki had wandered upstairs halfway through dinner, and no matter how hard Thor tried, he couldn’t ignore the glare burnt into his back.  He knew it was hurting Loki to see him enjoying himself so much with someone else because ultimately, all Loki wanted from Thor was attention.  

Loki’s jealousy hadn’t been so much a problem until dinner had been served and Peter was timidly passing Loki a plate.  Loki had fixed him with such a loathing look, Peter had bowed his head in submission and couldn’t stop tears from welling up in his eyes.  While it brought a pleased smirk to his face, Thor scowled. 

“Loki…” Thor growled in warning.  He sighed when Loki turned his nose upward, and though he hated to see how upset it made Peter, he told himself he’d scold Loki properly when something happened.  

And of course, it  _ did  _ happen.  

Thor instinctively lifted his arm when he felt someone trying to wriggle under it, and while he was more than happy to cuddle Peter as they watched TV, Loki wasn’t willing to share.  That became apparent when he threw himself across Thor’s lap and clawed at Peter’s face, leaving blood in his wake.

“ _ Loki _ !” Thor didn’t know if he expressed more anger or shock in his shout, but whatever he conveyed didn’t deter Loki in the least from trying to get at Peter.  Thor grabbed Loki’s shoulders and pulled him away. He looked at Peter to ask if he was okay, but his jaw hung open as he saw how the boy was only sitting there staring with wide eyes as he slowly raised his hand to touch the claw marks across his face.  “Peter…” 

Peter let out a sob, and with agility Thor had never known he had, he jumped off the couch and run to the elevator.  Thor wanted to go after him, but he couldn’t; now that Peter was gone, Loki was trying to take his place in cuddling Thor.  

Thor’s shoulders tensed as he sucked in an agitated breath.  His hands clenched, and he couldn’t stop himself from muttering, “Why can’t you be more like  _ Peter _ , Loki…?” 

Loki huffed.  He pulled away from Thor now and gave him his own hateful glare.  “Fuck you.” 

Thor couldn’t hold back the hurt that had been building in his heart for so many years.  “Peter is such a smart, caring child. He is the gentlest person I have ever met. And  _ you  _ are  _ nothing  _ compared to him.” 

A deadly aura wafted from Loki as he bristled.  “Oh, so you like  _ him  _ more than  _ me _ , do you?  That’s alright, Thor.  I’ll make sure he knows you want to fuck him like the whore he is. I’ll make sure to tell Stark that, too.”

Thor wasn’t sure when the last time he felt so much anger was, and for the first time in his life, he wanted to strike his brother purposely.  “I have no sexual desire towards Peter whatsoever, Loki, and you  _ know  _ that.  He is a  _ child _ .” 

“He’s a  _ whore _ ,” Loki hissed.  “A dirty,  _ filthy  _ whore that Stark only keeps around to keep his bed warm.  Maybe I  _ shouldn’t  _ tell him after all; he might decide to share the slut with you, and -”

It had happened so quickly, Thor didn’t even realise it had been  _ him  _ who had slapped Loki until he felt the sting in his palm. His eyes widened.  “Loki… I am so sorry…” 

Loki seethed, and for once he didn’t even care about playing it up; he stood in silence and skulked back to his room.  Thor was no fool, though; Loki hadn’t admitted defeat, and Thor could expect something to happen soon. 

* * *

 

When Tony came home, he was in the company of a male Thor had originally introduced to his friends as his classmate and assignment buddy from when they’d been studying a degree together.  Thor would normally be overjoyed to see Peter Quill again, but the only problem was, if Loki had reacted so badly to Peter wanting platonic affection, how would he react if he ever found out that Thor crushed so badly on his old classmate?  

“Oh, hey, man.” Peter Quill had always been indifferent to Thor; aloof and making no attempts in concealing the jealousy and insecurities Thor brought to his surface.  Thor had always been kind to him, but in the end, Quill had taken to Tony and Steve instead, and Thor mourned his heartbreak in silence. 

Thor smiled at him, but no matter how hard he tried, he knew it wasn’t sincere.  “Hello, Quill. How have you been?” 

Quill shrugged, and that was the only response Thor received.  As painful as it was, Thor wasn’t deterred, and he became so focused on getting Quill to notice him that he didn’t even realise Loki had emerged from downstairs and was skulking around quietly in the kitchen.

Thor waited for his chance, and he took it when Tony excused himself to go and check on Peter and see if he needed anything.  

“Would you like anything to eat or drink, Quill?” Thor’s smile had returned as he gestured to the bottle of coke and cups Peter had brought over earlier.  

Quill shrugged once again.  He didn’t even  _ look  _ at Thor as he reached into his pocket and pulled his phone out to play with it in Tony’s absence.  “Don’t care.” 

Thor’s shoulders slumped, but he refused to give up.  He forced his faltering smile again and moved so close to Quill, their shoulders were brushing.  He lifted his hand, and though he hesitated at first, he dropped it gently on top of Quill’s and allowed his thumb to caress the soft flesh beneath his palm, but it lasted only seconds before Quill ripped his hand away and gave him a loathing look full of disgust.  

“What the hell?!” Quill spat.  “I’m not fucking gay, creep! Go fuck yourself!” 

The hurt Thor felt was paramount, but it was also short-lived as he quickly became aware of Loki running from the kitchen and to the elevator doors that had just opened to reveal Tony’s presence.  Thor watched his brother shove Tony from the elevator before he slammed his fist against the buttons and disappeared behind the closing doors.

“What’s his problem?” Tony jerked his thumb over his shoulder at the elevator, but he quickly dropped it when he saw the heartbroken expression on Thor’s face.  “You okay, Point Break?”

It was Quill who answered the question.  “That fag tried coming on to me. I’m not even fucking  _ gay _ .” 

Tony’s eyes widened, and he shut his mouth from all further conversation.  He went into the kitchen and grabbed a few bottles of whiskey, but if he had any plans for Thor to drink with him, they were ruined when Thor got up and left to go to his room.  

As the elevator doors closed behind Thor, he was just in time to hear Tony growl, “Don’t you  _ ever  _ talk about my friends the way you just did, kid.” 

Thor kept his head down as he made his way to his room, and after arriving there and locking the door so he could force himself into sleep, he knew he’d just fucked up  _ badly _ .  Loki now knew he  _ did  _ hold attraction towards other males, liked another male  _ other  _ than Loki, and had made a move on said male who  _ wasn’t  _ Loki.  

Well.  If Thor had thought he and his brother were already on bad terms, he could only  _ imagine  _ the fit Loki was going to throw about this.  


	7. Chapter 7

Thor hated the idea of waking anyone at five in the morning, so as he ventured from his new bedroom after checking on Loki - who also was awake and reading a book - he took the staircase up to the main floor to avoid the clanging of the elevator.  

Thor wasn’t completely surprised when he stepped out into the living area and found he and Loki weren’t the only ones up at this hour.  He’d known Tony would be, too, as he was always up this early for his work, but seeing Peter up as well was unexpected. 

“Good morning.” Thor gave his best smile as he made his way to the kitchen to make himself a coffee.  He wanted to ask why Peter was awake so early, but he knew better; Tony had made it quite clear to everyone that bringing up Peter’s problems was forbidden, and they were to wait for him to approach the subject first.  

Thor didn’t always obey the orders, but whenever Tony was within earshot, he followed the rules religiously.  

Tony and Peter greeted him in return from where they were trying to wrestle a harness onto Peter’s puppy.  Thor was going to have to ask its name, he knew; he’d been here two days already and he’d never thought to ask.  

Thor didn’t get a chance to do so because Tony called out, “Can you do me a favour, Point Break?” 

“Of course,” Thor said softly without hesitation.  

Tony had finally slipped the harness around the pup and buckled it.  He straightened up as he looked over to where Thor was pouring coffee into a cup.  “Can you take Pete out for a walk? I’ve got work I need to get done.” 

Thor smiled.  He took a sip of his coffee before he replied.  “May I drink this first? Do you mind waiting, Peter?” 

Peter’s cheeks darkened slightly as his smile turned shy.  Sometimes Thor wondered if Peter was always like that, of it were just around him.  “No… I can w-watch TV…” 

“Thank you, Peter.  I will not be long.” 

“Oh, and Point Break.” There was bite in Tony’s voice now, and Thor couldn’t help but frown; had something happened?  “Tell your brother if he keeps banging on Pete’s walls, I’m going in there and kicking his ass.” 

Thor’s frown deepened.  “I did not know… I will talk to him.” 

“Mr. Stark said he keeps doing it because he knows it scares me…” Peter looked to his feet and wrapped his arms around himself.  

“Yeah, and if he scares Peter into bed with me one more time,  _ I’ll  _ ‘talk’ to him,” Tony promised.  His voice softened now as he turned to look back at Peter.  “Go sit on the couch and turn the TV on, kid; the dog will get his walk soon.” 

Peter did as he was told.  The early morning cartoons played quietly before him as he lifted his puppy up onto the couch and held onto it tight.  Thor sat next to him, and ever so gently, he asked, “What is your puppy’s name?” 

“Lycosa.” Peter hugged his pet even tighter as excitement crossed his face now.  “Lycosa is a genus of wolf spiders, and wolf spiders are my favourite. And I really like that word, and Mr. Stark thought it was cool, so I - oh, I’m rambling again…” 

Thor chuckled.  He reached out to wrap his arm around Peter’s shoulders and pull him close.  He squeezed the boy’s shoulder as he assured, “You are  _ always  _ allowed to ramble to me about the things you like, Peter.” 

Peter smiled.  He cuddled in close, thankful that Thor never minded cuddling; while Tony cuddled him as well, Tony was always so busy and didn’t often have ten minutes to spare.  He didn’t continue what he’d been speaking about, but Thor felt his body relax as the boy turned to the TV and smiled softly. 

Thor treasured moments like this.  So desperately he wanted to be able to share them with his brother, but Peter was great to cuddle with as well.  Peter was such an affectionate little teddy bear who could never get enough of being embraced, and Thor swore holding him like this was almost therapeutic for his troubled mind.  

It didn’t take long for Peter to tear himself away from Thor with a whimper.  Thor was startled, worried he’d done something to upset the boy - but when he heard the door for the staircase close, he understood why; he couldn’t blame Peter for wanting to appear as innocent as possible with the way Loki was ripping him apart with just his eyes.  

Peter looked to his lap.  His voice quivered as he called out, “I-I…  I wasn’t… I’m sorry…” 

“Why are you sorry?” Thor’s murmur did nothing to soothe Peter, and the arm that extended towards him to pull him back into Thor’s hold only pushed him away further.  It hurt Thor, but he couldn’t blame Peter; Peter was damaged, and the boy knew he was in right in being scared of Loki. 

Thor took action.  He put his half-empty coffee mug on the coffee table and got to his feet.  He extended his hand to Peter in invitation as he said, “I am ready for our walk if you still wish to go.” 

Peter couldn’t get to his feet fast enough, and Thor had a feeling it was to get away from Loki as best he could.  He scrambled to get his puppy ready, and he almost fled into the elevator to meet Thor downstairs in the lobby. 

Thor frowned at Loki.  “I need to talk to you when we get back, brother…” 

Loki snorted.  He didn’t respond; he just fixed Thor with a malicious glare as he walked further into the living area.  He was still bitter over Quill, Thor knew, and the thought made him nervous; Loki hadn’t done anything about it just yet, but Thor knew it was coming.

When he watched Loki walk towards Tony, Thor had a feeling it was being  _ delivered _ .  He tried to swallow, but he couldn’t get it past the lump in his throat as he worried over what Loki could possibly say.  

Thor knew not to stick around; Peter was waiting for him, and it wasn’t worth upsetting him further to be delayed by Tony’s berating if it came to that.  He hurried down to the lobby as well, glad to see Peter didn’t appear too distressed in his absence.

“I am so sorry about Loki…” Thor reached out to put his hand on Peter’s shoulder.  He gave a gentle smile, relieved to see it helped put a matching one on the boy’s face as well.  “I will make sure he leaves you alone. Just do not be alone with him if you can help it. Okay?”

Peter nodded.  He slipped his hand inside Thor’s massive one, and when he felt a squeeze, his shoulders relaxed just a little more.  “Loki scares me…” 

“Loki scares a lot of people,” Thor promised.  “I love my brother… But I am afraid he’s…  _ sick _ …” 

They’d walked out of the lobby and into the cold morning awaiting them when Peter couldn’t help but speak in awe.  “But you still love him enough to date him… You’re the nicest person I’ve ever met, Thor.” 

Thor tensed at those words.  He worried his bottom lip with his teeth before he asked, as kindly as he could in his confusion, “What makes you say that, Peter...?” 

Peter frowned.  “Loki told me… He told me you two are dating, and he’d…” 

When Peter trailed off into silence, Thor prompted gently, “He’d what, Peter?” 

“...” Peter gulped.  He looked up at Thor with wide eyes as he whispered nervously, “...He’d  _ kill  _ me if I ever dated you…” 

Thor shook his head.  “Loki and I are not dating, Peter…  He  _ wants  _ us to be together, but we are not.  He likes to drive away anyone he perceives as a threat to him getting what he wants.  But we are not dating, Peter.” 

Peter nodded.  He was silent for a few moments before he asked, “But  _ why  _ aren’t you dating him then?  He loves you… So why not?” 

Thor cocked his head to the side as he tried to think of how he could explain the situation.  He’d thought it would be obvious; they were brothers and it was wrong. But apparently  _ Peter  _ didn’t see it that way if he could ask such a question.  “He is my brother, Peter. I love him very much, yes. But he is my brother.” 

“But he loves you,” Peter stated again, this time more firmly and with a confidence Thor wasn’t used to hearing from him.  “Why can’t you be with him? He loves you.” 

Thor didn’t like what he was hearing; he knew how unaccepting and  _ hateful  _ society was towards incestual relationships, so why was  _ Peter  _ \- of all people - defending Loki?  With all the gentleness he was capable of, he murmured, “Peter, I am afraid your parents have distorted your view of the world.  It is not -” 

“- It’s  _ not  _ because of my  _ parents _ !” Peter yelled.  His eyes glistened with tears as he shoved at Thor to push him away.  His facial expression crinkled into anger, but his tears didn’t fall as he shoved again and yelled, “Who cares  _ what  _ he is!  He  _ loves  _ you!” 

Thor didn’t know how he’d managed to get hold of Peter and hold him close as he soothed him out of his distress; he was just relieved that Peter had stopped yelling and shoving at him because after so long of dealing with it from Loki, it hurt so fucking  _ much  _ to get the same treatment  from Peter. 

But finally, Thor could hold Peter against his body as he whispered, “I am very sorry for what I have said about your parents, Peter; I should never have implied such a thing to you of all people.” 

Peter sniffed back tears.  He shook his head. “It’s not your fault…  I know you didn’t mean to hurt me…” 

“I seem to have a spectacular habit of hurting the people I love, Peter…” Thor dragged his fingers through Peter’s hair as he caressed the back of his head gently.  “Especially Loki…” 

“You’re hurting him because he loves you and you won’t love him back.” Peter hid his face against Thor’s chest as his fingers curled tightly into the man’s hoodie.  “Maybe he needs love, Thor…” 

“No.  No amount of love from anyone will stop him from being the way he is,” Thor mumbled.  “It is how Loki is, and nothing can change it…” 

“Then why is it so bad to love him, Thor?” Peter tilted his head back to look up at Thor’s face.  

“Because he is my  _ brother, _ ” Thor tried to explain.  “I understand we could never be accepted if I were to love him back.  My brother would be more outcast than he already is. He would… He could  _ never  _ be accepted by another person…  I need to protect Loki… to the  _ best  _ of my ability…  And if denying him something he so desperately wants is the only way I can spare him further pain, I will do so.” 

“You love him back, don’t you?” Peter whispered.  

Thor frowned deeply at this question.  He’d never really thought about it before because he’d assumed his uncomfortable reactions to everything Loki did to him spoke volumes.

...But thinking on it, was Thor uncomfortable with Loki, or with  _ himself _ ?  Thor knew how wrong it was to love a family member in a sexual manner.  He  _ acknowledged  _ how wrong it was every time Loki approached him with intimacy.  

...But never once had Thor ever been disgusted in  _ Loki’s  _ behaviour; only ever in himself for the times the idea that maybe…  Just  _ maybe _ …  Thor was interested in reciprocating the intimacy.  

Thor bit his lip.  He shook his head. “I fear I will be judged…” 

“I would never judge you, Thor,” Peter promised.  “You’ve never judged  _ me _ , and I’m… disgusting…” 

Thor squeezed Peter’s hand in his as he quickly assured, “You are  _ never  _ disgusting for what other people have done to you, Peter.  You were a  _ child _ , and you did not know better.” 

Peter didn’t look comforted, but still he nodded and started walking again.  They walked for almost fifteen minutes, neither of them saying much, but they didn’t mind; they were happy with the other’s company.  

It was when they’d taken a seat in the park and let Lycosa have a run around did Thor’s eyes finally fix on the vest the pup was wearing.  Tenderly, he asked, “What is his vest for?” 

Peter moved closer to Thor, and distantly, he responded.  “Mr. Stark… got him for me for my PTSD… He’s still in training…” 

Thor nodded in understanding.  “I am sorry you have to experience all this…” 

Peter shook his head.  He fell silent again for several more minutes before he whispered, “Can I tell you a secret…?” 

“Of course you can, Peter.  You can tell me anything,” Thor promised.

Peter licked his lips before he looked away.  His tone was shaky, but he forced out, “I-I… I really…  I  _ like  _ you, Thor…!” 

Thor didn’t know how to reply, but it didn’t seem to matter because Peter continued. 

“I…  I-if you…  If you don’t want to b-be with Loki…  I-I…  _ I  _ want to date you…” 

Thor frowned.  He knew he had to be very careful about how he replied to this, but it seemed the longer he took to reply, the more antsy Peter got until he looked so panicked, Thor knew he was going to start crying any second now.  

Thor took a deep breath before he breathed, “Peter…  I am… very flattered… But I cannot possibly date you…”

Peter looked so devastated, Thor’s heart broke.  “I… It’s because I’m so filthy, isn’t it…? Because I’m  _ tainted _ !” 

“ _ No _ !” Thor cried.  “Peter,  _ no _ !   _ Never _ !  It is because you are so  _ young _ !  I am an  _ adult _ !  I  _ cannot  _ look at you in such a manner!  I  _ do  _ love you…  But right now, I cannot…  I am not a pedophile, Peter, and I…  I am a little hurt and uncomfortable you could think I  _ could  _ be one…” 

“You’re lying!” Tears were streaming down Peter’s face now as he pulled away from Thor’s touch.  “You  _ do  _ think I’m disgusting!  Well, I  _ know  _ I am, Thor!  I _ hate  _ myself because of it!  I thought you were  _ different _ !” 

“Peter!” As fast as Thor was, Peter was faster and much more agile, so when Peter did a runner and left his dog behind, Thor knew he had fucked up.  

Why had he expected things to go any differently, anyway?  Thor  _ always  _ fucked everything up.  

* * *

 

As soon as the elevator doors opened and Thor stepped into the living area of Stark Tower with Lycosa in his arms, he was horrified to see Peter on Tony’s lap, sobbing heavily as Tony tried his damned hardest to soothe him.

As soon as Thor stepped out of the elevator, Tony got to his feet and stormed across to him to punch him as hard as he could in the jaw.  

Thor grunted as he dropped Lycosa to the ground.  He blocked the next punch, thankful for his bulky build that made it easy to restrain Tony from any further attacks.  He felt blood dribble down his chin as he growled, “What was that for? I have done  _ nothing  _ wrong.” 

Tony looked murderous as he glared at Thor, and when he spoke, his tone didn’t betray.  “You put your fucking hands on my kid again and I’m going to  _ castrate  _ you.” 

Thor frowned.  His eyebrows furrowed as he put two-and-two together; Loki having approached earlier, and Peter running back the way he had.  He let go of Tony, hoping the man would listen to him without resorting to another punch. His wish went unfulfilled as he immediately had to restrain Tony again.  His tone conveyed all his hurt as he whimpered, “I did not  _ do  _ anything, friend Stark…” 

“Bullshit; you probably held my kid down on a park bench somewhere, you sick fuck!” Tony spat back. 

It must have been the pain in Thor’s eyes that got through to Tony, because his expression softened and he loosened in Thor’s arms as Thor spoke again.  “I would  _ never  _ hurt Peter, friend Stark…  _  Ever _ .  Please…  I do not know what my brother has said to you, but whatever it is, I would  _ never  _ hurt Peter…” 

Tony looked over his shoulder.  His tone went soft as he called, “Pete?  Did he do anything to you?” 

Peter shook his head from where he sat at the dining table, looking so small with his red, puffy eyes.  He sniffed back tears as he called back, “He t-turned me d-down, Mr. Stark… Because I’m… Because I’m  _ gross _ …” 

“Because I  _ care  _ about him,” Thor corrected.  Tony trusted him at that, and finally, his body language went back to neutral.  

Tony clapped Thor on the shoulder as he gave a stiff nod.  “Yep. Sorry, Point Break; your brother’s a fucking bastard.  ...Told me you molested Peter last night…” 

Thor winced.  “Friend Stark…  Please… I could  _ never _ …  I am  _ not  _ like that…” 

“I don’t know why I believed him,” Tony admitted.  “Guess I just… worry too much…” 

Thor nodded.  “I forgive you…  I am… going to go back to bed for a while…” 

Thor did as he had said, but if he had any intentions of going to sleep, he didn’t anymore when he opened his bedroom door and found Loki inside, curled up beneath the blankets fast asleep.  Thor felt his heart melt at how peaceful Loki looked for once. None of the bitterness or loathing was present in his features; he just… looked so young again… So  _ normal _ …

Thor knew how dangerous it was, but he didn’t wake his brother; he couldn’t disturb Loki when he was resting so well.  He stepped into the room and closed the door behind him so he could go and join Loki in bed, falling asleep to his brother’s even breaths for the first time in so long, he himself felt at peace.  

Of course, it would never last when his eyes would open next.  He’d always had a habit of getting his hopes up, only to be shattered in the end.  


	8. Chapter 8

Thor awoke to Loki’s fingers threading through his hair.  He gave a tired sigh, but he didn’t pull away; he was emotionally exhausted, and the fact that Loki wasn’t hurting anyone  _ now  _ but probably  _ would  _ if he felt rejected was enough of a tradeoff for him to lay there quietly.

Silence filled the room for what the clock told them was almost twenty minutes before Thor finally murmured, in a tone so broken, he wasn’t surprised to see Loki’s lips purse.  “Why would you tell my friend I am a pedophile, Loki…? You know I am not…” 

Loki gave a one-armed shrug.  As nonchalant as he tried to across as, Thor still recognised the pain in him.  “I saw you with  _ him…” _

“Quill?” Thor sighed.  He should have known Loki would do something like this - he just… had hoped he  _ wouldn’t _ …  

Loki nodded.  He spat the name loathingly.  “ _ Quill _ …  What do you  _ see  _ in him, brother…?” 

Thor chewed at his lip.  Did he be honest and tell  _ Loki  _ of all people just why, after all the years Quill had never failed to make him feel like shit, he just couldn’t beat his addiction?  Or did he lie and say Loki had misunderstood and there had been no romantic feelings involved…? 

Thor took a deep breath before he took the plunge.  “...Loki… I think Quill is beautiful and funny and smart…  He is not  _ nice  _ to  _ me _ , but he…  He is loving to his  _ friends _ …  Loyal…  And I just…” 

Loki’s face scrunched up in pain as he turned his head away.  He sneered as he gave his response. “And  _ why  _ does that make him better than  _ me _ …?” 

“It does  _ not, _ ” Thor promised.  He reached out to cup Loki’s cheek and caress his thumb against the warm skin.  “It does  _ not,  _ Loki.  I… I  _ love  _ you, brother…” 

Loki’s eyes searched Thor’s for the slightest hint of insincerity, but all he found was a pleading sadness that  _ begged  _ him to  _ trust _ .  He licked his lips and reached out to ghost his fingertips against Thor’s lips.  For the first time, Thor didn’t pull away - instead, he moved in closer. 

Loki hummed.  His fingers resumed patting their way through Thor’s hair, but whatever normality he was displaying at the moment was ruined the second he opened his mouth.  “You’re going to fuck me, right?” 

Thor sighed.  He felt disheartened at the lack of proper love and affection he wanted so badly from his partners - but hey, while they were here…  He reached out and grabbed the back of Loki’s head to pull him in for a kiss.

It was not surprising to know that Loki didn’t care for kisses and was more interested in slipping his hand between them and into Thor’s pants.  Thor let out an appreciative noise as he moved his hips forward to get more of the touch. “Loki…” 

Loki hummed.  “Don’t worry about kissing me, brother; just fuck me.” 

Thor frowned.  His hand fell away from Loki’s hair so he could caress his brother’s cheek with his thumb.  “I thought you loved me…” 

“I  _ do _ !” Loki snapped.  “I just want to be fucked!” 

Thor was still for several moments until he shrank away.  Softly, he murmured, “You wish only for my body… You care nothing for me emotionally…” 

“Or  _ maybe  _ I’m just horny!” Loki snapped.  “You  _ know  _ how long I’ve waited for you!  I want to be  _ fucked _ finally!” 

Thor lay in silence.  For once, Loki was telling the truth, and Thor  _ knew  _ it.  Loki was still a virgin - most likely because Thor had always been so careful about letting him go out on his own, he suspected - and whether or not it was because he’d waited as he so claimed, it was understandable just how badly he wanted to sleep with Thor.  

But still…  Loki was  _ nothing  _ like those nameless people Thor would never see again after they’d left for the night…  Loki was  _ Loki,  _ and if Thor was going to fuck him, he wanted Loki’s  _ love _ \- his  _ genuine love _ .  

“Let me kiss and hold you for a while…” Thor compromised.  “Prove to me you love me.” 

“You’re so fucking stupid, Thor,” Loki snarled.  Regardless of his temperament, there was no hesitation for him to move once more into his brother’s arms.  “If I didn’t love you, I would have killed you  _ years  _ ago.” 

Thor held Loki tight as he drew his brother into soft kisses.  It was different to feel just how  _ aggressive  _ Loki seemed to be in his kisses, but Thor assumed it was hormones running their course.  

“You know that if people are to know about this, they will not accept us…” Thor warned.  He moved his hand back to Loki’s cheek and held him as they stared into each other’s eyes.  

“They already do not accept me; I care nothing for how they choose to perceive me,” Loki snarled.  “I want only  _ you _ .” 

Thor chuckled.  His lips tugged upwards slightly as he moved his arm to hook around Loki’s hips and hold his body against his own.  “You will tell no one, yes? It would break my heart for them to judge you…” 

“I don’t give a damn.” Loki’s movements were almost aggressive as he rolled over in Thor’s arms to press his back against Thor’s body.  “I’ll kill them all if they talk shit to you about it.” 

Thor pressed his nose in to Loki’s hair as he closed his eyes again.  “I am tired… Stay with me?” 

Loki didn’t respond, but he also didn’t try and escape the embrace, so Thor felt it was safe to drift off into sleep.  But just as he was on the brink of oblivion, Loki’s cold tone brought him back into reality. “And if I ever see Quill again, I will make sure he doesn’t leave alive…” 

Thor didn’t think much of the threat, so he didn’t respond to it; Loki always made threats like those - hell, Peter was living in terror of him, yet Loki had only terrorised him emotionally.  

...But somehow, deep in Thor’s gut, he knew there was something different about Loki’s hostility now.  

...Oh, well; Loki only liked going after small animals; everything would be  _ fine _ .  

* * *

 

When Thor’s eyes opened again, he was alone.  Curious, he got out of bed and left the room to find his brother.  Upstairs seemed devoid of life until he’d caught sight of movement out on the balcony.  He strode across the room and opened the giant glass doors to poke his head out, and to his surprise, he found Peter, tucked away in a corner with his earphones in and his laptop next to him. 

“Hello.” Thor wasn’t sure if he should be bothering Peter after what had happened between them that morning - and when Peter looked up at him with a frightened, tear-stained face, he realised he  _ should  _ be backing away and leaving Peter to whatever it was he was doing.  

Peter wiped at his face and gave a sniff.  “Hi…” 

“Have you seen my brother?” Thor asked as gently as he could.  “He was not there when I woke up.” 

Peter shook his head.  Quietly - so damned  _ quietly  _ \- Peter murmured, “N-no one else i-is home…” 

Those words sparked deep concern in Thor; if Loki had taken off somewhere…

This was why he’d been so damned hesitant to take Loki away from their old dead-end street where he couldn’t  _ go anywhere _ !  

“Are you okay?” Thor asked.  He shifted uncomfortably, knowing just how much he was to blame for Peter’s pain.  

Peter nodded.  More tears dribbled down his damp cheeks, and at this, he turned away so Thor couldn’t see.  “...” 

Thor  _ hated  _ whenever Peter’s sleeves would ride up to reveal the cuts along his wrists, but never did he comment on them; Peter’s deep depression was something he didn’t like to talk about with anyone but Tony.  Thor turned his head away so he didn’t have to see them as Peter held his hand over his eyes in a futile attempt to stop his tears. 

“...I will go and find my brother…” Thor murmured.  “I apologise… for this morning… You misunderstand me.  I will explain to you when you are feeling better.” 

Peter didn’t respond; he didn’t even acknowledge Thor.  Thor took that as his queue to leave, but part of him feared doing so; if Peter was alone, would he try something silly?  Perhaps he should alert Tony… 

Thor did so.  He texted Tony as he left Stark Tower and wandered the streets for a while to see if he could spot Loki anywhere.  He couldn’t, but still he persevered; hopefully Loki would pop up any second now, having simply been hiding from Thor to piss him off… 

But alas, it didn’t happen.  Thor checked the time on his phone, and when he realised he’d been sitting on the same bench for an hour now, he decided to go back home and talk to Tony about his concerns.  

Whatever concerns Thor had were amplified when he was just a couple blocks away from the tower and he could hear the sounds of emergency sirens in the air.  Thor’s heart dropped. His first instinct was that Loki had done something, so when he pushed through the onlooking crowd and indeed found police cars and ambulances parked outside of Stark Tower, Thor was sure he could cry.

“Loki…” Thor’s breath caught in his throat.  He barely noticed his shaking hands, but just as he’d taken a step forward to check on his brother, paramedics came out of the lobby, wheeling a stretcher to one of the ambulances.  

Thor was sure he was about to hyperventilate, but when Tony appeared at the lobby entrance with the most distraught expression Thor had ever seen him don, he realised now; it wasn’t  _ Loki  _ on that stretcher, but it was  _ his  _ fault Peter was on there instead.  

“Stark!” Thor hurried to Tony’s side.  He felt crushed by the guilt of what he’d caused, and the best he could do was stand before Tony and gape wordlessly as he tried his hardest to think of what to say.  “...Stark, I…” 

“It’s not your fault…” Tony sounded so broken, Thor only wanted to cry more.  “He was going to do this… Sooner or later…” 

Thor could only stand in silence, for how long, he didn’t know.  But eventually, he was approached by police, and the way they fixed him with such unreadable expressions, Thor found himself crying; today was quickly turning into the worst day of his life, and at this rate, he was going to hear that Loki had gone and thrown himself off a bridge somewhere. 

...While that wasn’t  _ exactly  _ what he’d be told, it was still enough to break Thor’s mind down until all he wanted was to be the one in Peter’s place - preferably dead.

“Thor Odinson?” One of the officers continued at Thor’s small nod.  “We were on our way out here to see you before we were dispatched here anyway.”

Thor’s throat felt so tight, he almost couldn’t speak past the lump in his throat.  “...This is about my brother…”

“Yes.” When a police officer had to steel themselves before explaining something, Thor  _ knew  _ it was bad.  “He’s currently receiving medical treatment at the hospital before he will be released into our custody.  Do the names Yondu Udonta or Peter Quill mean anything to you?” 

Thor’s breath caught.  He didn’t want to respond - he didn’t want to  _ live  _ as he realised he was, yet again, at fault for something terrible.  A single tear rolled down over his lips as he whispered, “What did Loki do to them…?” 

When both officers hesitated to respond, Thor felt as if his stomach dropped out of his body, and all he wanted was for a madman to come running past and put an end to his miserable existence.  

But of course, life just wasn’t that forgiving towards him, and all he could do was suffer yet another mental breakdown.


	9. Chapter 9

Thor felt like crying as he paced the waiting room of the hospital.  He didn’t know where to go first; did he go see Loki, who he truly had no emotional energy to deal with right now?  Did he see for himself the extent of the damage he’d unintentionally inflicted on Peter? Or did he go and see how terribly Loki had hurt his unrequited love?  None of his choices were good ones, but he still had to choose - it shouldn’t have been a surprise that Thor chose to visit not any of them and instead see someone else. 

“Your brother almost killed my boy!” If Yondu Udonta wasn’t sporting a broken arm, Thor had a feeling the man would have tried strangling him. 

Thor winced. He battled against tears threatening to overwhelm him as he murmured, “If it is any consolation, I almost lost someone today, too…” 

“Yeah, an’ the world woulda been better off if the fucker died!” Yondu roared. 

A single tear rolled down Thor’s cheek as he shook his head.  “My brother aside… Someone I care dearly for attempted suicide - the blows came one after another, and I…” 

Yondu’s eyes showed nothing but rage.  He was almost foaming at the mouth as he hissed, “Ya think you are the only one who gotta deal with suicide attempts?  Ya got no idea how many times I had ta watch my boy in hospital, gettin’ his wrists stitched back together - his fuckin’  _ stomach pumped _ ‘cause he damn swallowed a bunch o’ pills.  To hold him as he bleeds out, or suffers seizures, prayin’ the ambulance gets there in time…  My boy came a long way, and had I lost him, nothin’ woulda stopped me gettin’ ta yer brother. Now piss off; yer done enough!” 

Thor closed his eyes and bowed his head. “For what it is worth…  I wish it had been me rather than Quill.” 

“Yeah?  Yer not the only one wishin’ it,” Yondu snarled.  He moved the hand of his unplastered arm to his abdomen, wincing visibly as rich red slowly became visible beneath his grey shirt.  “Get outta here before I break yer neck.” 

Thor didn’t need to be told twice; with a soft apology uttered beneath his breath, he backed out of the room and went to wait outside.  He slid his back down the brick wall and stared out into the car lot, watching as people came and left, wondering what their stories were and if any of them were hurting as much as he currently was.

Thor should have tried harder.  He should have been able to do something to help Loki and keep everyone safe - but he had failed so spectacularly, blood was on his hands today.  

But Thor couldn’t ponder for long, because a hand was on his shoulder and squeezing away all the horrible thoughts that made him want to cry.  He looked up, and when he found himself staring into Steve’s concerned face, he sniffed back the single tear rolling down his cheek. 

Steve knelt in front of Thor to wrap his arms around his friend and hold on tight.  “None of this was your fault, Thor.” 

Thor hugged back, resting his head against Steve’s chest tiredly.  His mumble was barely audible. “It feels like it is, Steven…”

“Well, it’s  _ not _ ,” Steve stated firmly.  He looked to his side, seeing his friend standing awkwardly away from them as he watched on with wary eyes.  “Bucky, can you sit with Thor? I’ll go check on everyone.” 

Bucky gave a stiff nod.  He didn’t move from where he was standing, and his eyes followed Steve as he disappeared through the automatic doors and into the hospital.  He swallowed thickly as a slight tremble to his body became noticeable, but still, he finally approached Thor. 

Thor didn’t look at Bucky when the other finally sat near him; he pulled his knees to his chest and wrapped his arms around them as he dropped his forehead to rest against them.  

But after what could have been an eternity, Bucky finally let himself be heard by someone other than Steve.  “When we were younger, we came to the hospital a lot… S-steve and I, I mean…” 

Thor turned his head slightly to look at Bucky and show he was listening.  “...” 

Bucky’s fingers curled nervously into his jeans.  He stared at his lap, as if trying to decide what to say next.  “...Steve never really minded, but… I guess that changed after he tried to kill himself, because he never liked going back ever since…” 

Thor faced Bucky fully now.  “He has tried to kill himself…?” 

Bucky nodded.  “He had a lot of issues from our childhood; he wouldn’t go get help, and I guess it all just got on top of him…”

“I never knew…” 

A flash of recognition crossed Bucky’s face before he spluttered, “I-I didn’t say it to try and compete or anything!  I just… I just thought… If you knew that someone understands…” 

Thor shook his head.  “No, I understood. Thank you; I do appreciate it; I just - I guess I’m just…  _ sad _ .” 

“I know,” Bucky soothed.  His own anxiety was still visible to Thor in the way he trembled and spoke so hesitantly, but regardless, he moved closer.  “If… If you need someone to talk to… I know Steve will listen to you.” 

“Thank you, James.” Thor did his best to smile, but it wasn’t easy.  He shifted uncomfortably, the weight of not knowing what had happened to his loved ones still consuming him.  He changed the subject, not knowing if he could handle talking about this any longer. “...So, Steven… He spent time in hospital because of his sickness?” 

Bucky nodded.  “I’m just glad he got better…  He used to be so sick, and it - it was  _ horrible  _ to see.” 

Thor nibbled at his lip.  He hesitated, but eventually he murmured, “My brother…  My brother is very sick… But not like Steven used to be; Steven was ill physically, and my brother…  Is very sick in his  _ mind _ …  Sometimes I think it would be better if Loki was sick like how Steven once was, because at least then he might be  _ normal _ .” 

Bucky winced.  His fingers twitched with nerves as he murmured, “Steve was sick, and I…  I couldn’t wish that on  _ anyone  _ for  _ any  _ reason…  I almost lost him - on  _ more  _ than occasion, and I just…  Your brother is sick, but at least you have him...”

Thor sighed.  Bucky was right, but why did it hurt so much to acknowledge that?   

* * *

 

Thor hadn’t been able to visit anyone until that night.  It had been so hard for him, unable to bear witness what had happened to the people he loved so much - to him, it was as if seeing them for himself would only solidify in his mind what had happened.  

The hardest thing of all was deciding who to visit first.  To Thor, it made sense to check on Quill - an innocent party in everything that had happened, who could never have guessed he would be attacked in his own home.  

Yondu was with Quill, and Thor didn’t know why he expected any different.  Thor was just glad Yondu wasn’t doing much more than giving him filthy looks as he took a seat beside Quill’s bed.    

“Is Quill going to be okay?” Thor felt his throat tighten as he forced the words out.  

Yondu scowled.  “No thanks to  _ you _ .” 

Thor closed his eyes and tried to centre himself.  “Yondu, if I had known my brother was going to do this, I’d…  I’d…” 

Yondu snorted in annoyance.  “Just shut up.” 

Thor frowned.  He looked at Yondu, hoping the man could see the desperation in his face and  _ understand _ .  “Yondu, I  _ love  _ Quill!  I wouldn’t have let this happen to him if I could have stopped it!” 

Yondu’s nose scrunched in distaste.  “My boy ain’t gay! He don’t like no guy putting their hands on him!  He’s been through enough from people like you! He don’t even  _ like  _ sex ‘cause o’ yer kind!  Just leave ‘im ‘lone! He was _ happy! _ ”

Thor was flabbergasted, and the best he could do was stutter, “I-I didn’t know…!” 

“Well, you do now!” Yondu reached out to put his hand on Quill’s shoulder.  Thor wondered if the man was even conscious of doing so. “He’s been abused, an’ he finally starts comin’ outta his shell, and then  _ this _ !” 

Thor felt like he could throw up.  He knew he should leave, but instead, all he could do was whisper, “I understand what Quill has been put through…  I really do… But I had no idea, Yondu - I didn’t  _ know _ …” 

Yondu didn’t respond to that; he turned his attention to Quill, pulling the blankets up over him and tucking him in tight.  Thor watched Yondu mumble, more to himself than to anyone else, as he dragged his hand through Quill’s curls to try and give as much comfort as he could to his sedated charge.  

Thor stood now, unable to bear seeing Quill unconscious any longer.  “I am sorry, Yondu; I will leave. Please tell Quill I am so very sorry this happened…” 

Yondu sneered, and Thor left as quickly as he could.  But Thor didn’t go visit anyone else in the hospital; instead, he pulled his phone from his pocket and texted Steve, asking to stay the night with him at his apartment.  As expected, Steve was only too happy to help out, and with that, he left the hospital in hopes that tomorrow would be a better day.

But who was he kidding?  He knew tomorrow could only be worse.  

  
  



End file.
